Get it together..

Lately I've been going back and forth in my mind with whether or not I am on the right track. I know I am good at my job and I feel effective and like each day I am making a difference. I have many ideas and very little time to execute them so I am always wishing I could do more. Most of the time I am hoping to have an opportunity to keep this job and make it my own over time and I can't dream of leaving and starting new somewhere else.

But..then I think that I am just a big chicken trying to hold on to what is comfortable and familiar. Why not run with the opportunity now while I am not tied down in any way? That's a scary thought. I did it once before. I graduated from college and moved halfway across the country with just one friend. I left everything I knew to come here and start fresh. It felt amazing!

Is it enough? Loving the town, the people, the surrounding natural paradise and what all of it has helped me grow to become over the past five years. Are these reasons enough to keep me here or just perfect examples of what a fresh start can do for me? I read this article the other day and while it is a little crude and was even for me slightly uncomfortable to read, it opened my eyes. What am I afraid of?

In the meantime, while considering whether to stick around or hit the road, I am reminded again about the chaos that is my life. I have a lot of stuff. I have gotten a little better over the years about getting rid of things and since I have lived in 5 long term homes in 5 years I have learned to purge with each move so that there is less to carry. Somehow...I still have the stuff. I talk with myself about sentimental value and the things I might need someday! I finally found the answer from The Minimalists. Josh and Ryan were two young guys making way too much money and finding plenty of reasons to spend it fast..sometimes faster than they were making it. They took an extreme approach to minimalism over a 21 day period so check out their journey. I was inspired reading about it and I'm not sure I'm as committed but if I could get half as far as they have gone I would be happy with myself.

Who knows where I am supposed to be. For now, I am taking the lazy way out and waiting to see what my current situation holds. The decision on my job should be confirmed this week so that will be a good jumping off point of what to do next. Perhaps it will even answer this looming question for me. We'll see...

You're the best..around!

I have some of the best friends. The old reliable who took me to the hospital, laughed with me through it all, ran errands for me, and stayed with me all day afterwards. The silly sidekick who showed up with a teddy bear as promised. The caretaker who made me a weeks worth of pre-packaged heat and serve breakfasts and promised a sleepover for the weekend. And the crazy one, guaranteed to shake things up, showed up at my door from Denver last night with a milkshake and friends. So lucky to have these people to look forward to when life gets me down, literally, on the couch.

Is she ALWAYS like THIS??

I read this article on Adventure Journal today and it reminded me of myself in recent days.

In Praise of Honest Enthusiasm for the Awesomeness of Life

Yesterday, I had surgery...and it was fun..weird. My best friend escorted me to the hospital as the sun was barely coming up and we were both annoyingly chipper as usual because who wants to be miserable in the hospital. As in many situations where we are too perky, the other folks in the day surgery waiting room did not appear to enjoy the sunny disposition we put forth at this hour early on a Thursday morning. Some even got up and went to the private waiting room where it was more quiet and we would not disturb them.

As the first round of patients were guided like cows headed for slaughter into the pre-op room, we giggled along behind the group and cheerfully greeted the nurses. With a few laughs I got dressed into the hospital uniform and sexy compression socks. I also took a beating from my nurse, who considered herself a badass, as my wimpy veins were not up to the challenge of an IV first thing in the morning. I am fully aware that my sense of  humor is absolutely a defense mechanism in many ways but I also find while it is a way for me to avoid my nerves it also is naturally calming if others around me are laughing and not being too serious. While I cannot control everything, the more smiles I can find make it easier.

The fun continued into surgery as I was given the chance to have an epidural and therefore be awake to watch my surgery. My smiley surgeon and silly anesthesiologist may have regretted this decision but they certainly laughed along with me through the procedure. I find it difficult not to make laser-like and munching sound effects as I watch scar tissue being eaten up and sliced apart and a landing rocket ship seemed appropriate in place of the needle I watched diving into my knee to add some local anesthetic to what they called "angry" tissue. They were not as amused and I was sad that they did not get my Monty Python reference when I asked if they remembered to bring in "the machine that goes BING!". They did laugh with me immediately after my question when a machine went BING! right after I asked.

Post-op was no different as i started to wiggle my feet as soon as i could and move my body around. I am not one to sit still for long and I was getting antsy even though my body was numb. The poor nurses thought it was the drugs making me loopy and kindly asked my partner in crime "Is she always like this or are the drugs still talking?". Nope, this is her! This is me..now, let's get outta here! From the day I found out I would have this surgery I gained 5+ pounds and put myself under too much stress over the whole situation. For me it was more about the financial aspect than the actual surgery but all of it was scary to me. I do this to myself more often than not and then once the day comes I manage to have fun with it and take it in stride. This surgery was no different. Looking back, it wasn't bad at all and I have fantastic friends around to take care of me and make sure Lucy is okay.

Make it count..

I came across this video on a friend's facebook page the other day and I haven't been able to get the message out of my head since my first viewing...

"Life is either daring adventure or nothing at all."

Helen Keller

"Buy the ticket take the ride." Hunter S. Thompson

The entire video and especially this quote particularly remind me of the book and movie which inspire me most when I am feeling down. Eat, Pray, Love moves me. Physically. Emotionally. I want to be where she is, feeling, learning. I want to buy a ticket and take off. "I want to go someplace and marvel at something." as said in the movie. When life becomes bland and I become numb, this gives me something to hope for.

"You only live once but if you do it right once is enough." 

Mae West

Hopefully all of these seemingly wrong decisions lead to a perfectly, wonderfully right one.

"Above all, try something." Franklin D. Roosevelt

Something, anything. I am a heart-on-my-sleeve type of girl. I'd rather say how I feel (most of the time) than wish that I had later. I have so much love to give but don't always accept it well. I like to try things that fill me with a similar feeling. The excitement that following the experience makes me want to kiss someone to somehow make that feeling contagious!

"I never worry about the future, it comes soon enough."

Albert Einstein

I am learning. Surrounded by people who like to jump to "what could be" and jaded by the thought of "well, that could've been amazing" I am now trying to live day-to-day. I refuse to assume the job is mine until it is mine. I won't get my hopes up about the possibilities until they become realities. I am trying my best not to stress about the things I cannot change until I have a way to change them.

"One who makes no mistakes makes nothing at all."

Giacomo Casanova

Mistakes + Me = Soulmates! If I hadn't screwed up as much as I have, and if other people hadn't wronged me the way so many have, I would not be where I am today. While somedays I feel that I am at my worst, for the moment I am where I want to be doing what I love. Life is a daily struggle to survive right now but looking back I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!

The trouble is all the street signs are written in squiggly lines...

Of all the famous quotes Casey used in making this film, this one line straight from him is my favorite. Eventually I get to where I should be. I get to a place where I fit and I am comfortable. The map to get there, however, is faded, the signs are blurry and sometimes it's all just squiggly lines!

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." Eleanor Roosevelt

"It's not brave if you're not scared." - Ben Affleck in BOUNCE

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count it's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

If I hadn't made it this far... I would never have learned to climb and appreciate the world from above. I would not live in a paradise where I am amazed at my surroundings daily. I would not have a job that I love and am proud of. I would not have found the friends that keep me going and challenge me to do more. I would not have found these ways to help others enjoy the things that I love. I would not be where I am.

"If I'd followed all the rules I'd never have gotten anywhere." Marilyn Monroe

I've learned that following all the rules does not necessarily get you ahead in this world. I did what was asked, I was honest, and I followed the rules and I watched others get by while I was left behind. Honesty, dedication, and taking pride in what you do is the best you can do while hoping your actions are acknowledged, respected and returned.

"Action expresses priorities." Gandhi

MAKE IT HAPPEN. MAKE IT COUNT!

"A day for the books"??

Why is it that we know instantly when a day starts out rough that more bad luck is on its way? Is this intention at work? Like, "This put me in a bad mood so everything is going to be bad today"? Do I create this for myself? The day started crazy and has only gone downhill since.

My day started with a maniac of a sixth grader running around the gym playing tag with the seventh grade girls and I see him messing with the button on his pants. Suddenly, I notice that he is running around with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped and tighty whities out for all to see! I called him over to me and explained how inappropriate this was and that the only time his pants should be unbuttoned is in the bathroom or locker room changing. He agreed and went on his way. Moments later I see that the pants are still open and flapping in the breeze as he runs along. This time I remove him to the hallway where he explains that they accidentally came unbuttoned when he was putting them on (this beanpole pulls up buttoned pants as though they are sweats). I asked if he needed help fixing the situation and he stood very still while I buttoned and zipped his pants. He went on his merry way.

Working in the field of special education certainly does not lack variety. I learn things like this daily. Today I learned after working with him for five months that my wacky, tiny and very loud sixth grader cannot button and zip his own pants. Usually we learn this as kids need help in the bathroom or changing for gym, however when this little guy has no body shape and weighs about fifty pounds he doesn't need to button and zip anything. He just wiggles in.

I get dizzy from how much I shake my head on some days.

Working with a student on a crossword about the five senses: which sense will tell you whether a surface is rough or soft? {crickets...}

When the adult responsible for making sure one student makes it to a field trip also takes her to Starbucks, his house, and his other job and doesn't understand why that might be frowned upon?

When no one can seem to let the dirty dishes in the sink soak as I left them to do but rather stack them next to the sink to let the crust dry on?

Why my desk is the depository for random, questionable things found on the floor? Because obviously I want them for my trash collection...

Like I need a reminder?

But here are a few of my favorite reminders that I live in paradise...

This is a pretty common photo of the place that I call home! It is on books, decks of cards, t-shirts, coffee mugs, and countless other souvenirs. Rather often it shows up in the paper with the same view only slightly varied depending on the season. In just two months, I will celebrate my five year anniversary in this beautiful bubble in the rockies and still I look at this view daily and am amazed and grateful to be surrounded by so much beauty.

There are a few other views in town, though, that really make me giddy inside and feel an internal connection to my mountain home.

rolling into SPRING!!

I moved here a few short months after falling in love with this little ski town following a short visit. While that is the reason I chose to come here, ultimately it was for a job teaching at the high school in the fall of 2007. This is a common view of the SSHS football/soccer/lacrosse field in the early spring. While most schools are getting outside to practice for upcoming sports seasons, we in the bubble are usually still getting dumped on with snow. The only way for our teams to get practice time in, outside of practicing in the gym, is to plow the snow off the field. The lacrosse team practices with neon balls so that they can be found in the snow and they hit the field daily, snow or not. This is such a unique and special image for me after a long work day with short winter hours. As the sun goes down and the temperature drops, these athletes are happily hitting the field...in the snow! *picture borrowed from www.steamboattoday.com

here comes SUMMER!!

This happens to be the boyfriend of the previously mentioned amazing forever friend but he, while also amazing, is not the view I wish to speak of. The favorite moment here is in late spring, locally called "mud season", when the mountain is closed and there is still a ton of snow and it is hot out but still too muddy to hit the trail with your mountain bike..THIS is what the lunch hour looks like in Steamboat. People hop on their bikes with skis (over the shoulder, like Pete, or strategically mounted to the bike) to commute to an easy hike nearby and get some sunny spring turns in. This is dedication to a sport..or two! I, however, do not trust myself to be this coordinated but it puts a smile on my face every time!

Another favorite view, while not as adventurous, is the car with loaded Thule box or rack on top and a loaded bike rack on the back. I know just the subaru I am thinking of, now to hurry and get the picture!

SUMMER is here...or it might be soon!

Mud season also means river season around here. If the snow is melting that means the river is rising and tubing is not just a novelty when you live in this town. Tubing starts early, sometimes too early, when the water is flowing and often still frigid. Most people around the age of fun own their own tube and most likely have a strategy for carrying beverages, special blends of cocktails for such occasions, how to transport 6 people with full tubes in a clown-car fashion, and can tell you the best spots on the river to get in, get out, flip over...whatever your looking for, these guys have the details! I really wanted this to be a picture of a tiny car with tubes on top and being held out the window, as I have done many times, but I seriously couldn't find one. Maybe soon..it is about that time again!

There really are so many things that truly define this town for me but these are the top..the Best of the Boat, if you will! I was truly inspired to write this early this morning when driving to school. Today was "Bike and Hike to School Day" and on my way in I passed young twin boys (10?) riding side-by-side to school on uni-cycles.  With helmets and backpacks on, they cheerfully peddled their way to school. While I am crushed that I did not get a picture of them, I figured my job as a teacher would be compromised if I took my eyes off the road, in a school zone, next to some wobbly uni-cyclers and other distracted motorists, to take a picture with my phone! Stupid conscience! They were adorable! TRUST!



Nervous for the future.

Who knows what the future holds?

I've been given little hints of confidence lately regarding the future of my position.
The teacher I am covering a maternity leave for has submitted a request for a leave of absence for the next year. Many think she will not return at the end. Many think I am a shoe-in for the job. I, however, have a lack of confidence in this opportunity. It has been presented to me by the one person who will ultimately make the decision whether or not I stay as an opening (possibly two) for the next year, the principal. I am nervous..I feel like I have committed myself to a few things over the past two years of searching and not had the returns expected. I keep saying that I cannot assume and put all of my eggs in one basket until I know for sure that I have the job. I want it...I really do. But I have all of these people saying it's mine, why wouldn't it be? I am scared to believe it because what if it isn't and I haven't done anything else? I will apply, I will hope, dream, wonder, and continue to be a basketcase until I know for sure. Then, I will breathe. And we will party!

So get ready...because I won't!!!