You should know...

that I miss you. That's all.

5 Years and a lot of firsts!

Five years ago today, inspired by a commencement address by former president Bill Clinton, I graduated from THE Ohio State University (with 7000 others), had a delicious send-off dinner and GIANT margarita at El Vaquero with my parents, then drove 1500 miles with my momma to Steamboat Springs, CO. What a wild ride it has been! Here are some flashbacks of my lengthy vacation in paradise!

First..I could not have made it without this little lady by my side! She began as a city dog in a tiny apartment but has really proven herself as a mountain dog since we've been here! She has been on a lot of grueling hikes, approached many climbs (even made it up 30" of a 5.9ish climb herself once), rode in boats, camped and enjoyed walks and wrestling with other dogs!

Lucy enjoys some late season snow on a hike to Devil's Causeway in Summer 2011 - her 2nd time there!

While I moved to Colorado because it has been a dream since I was about 12 to live in the mountains, I live in Steamboat Springs because of this guy! I was scouting schools in the state when I was in the right place at the right time to meet his mom and come out with a job for the summer as his 1 on 1 at summer camp. With this opportunity before me I immediately began looking for jobs in town and the rest is history! **BONUS!!** 5 years later, I get to be Jack's teacher in 7th grade!!

Thanks, Jack, for being you and for giving me a direction to follow!

Following my summer with Jack, I started my first teaching job at Steamboat Springs High School in the fall of 2007. I was a ninth grade resource teacher supporting 8-12 students with moderate needs along with their peers in an inclusive setting. High school was not my first choice but once I was there I loved the kids, my friends on staff, and going to work every day!

This was at Prom 2008 with a few other teachers.

The non-teaching world thinks teachers have it made with their ridiculously long ten week summer vacation. As a rookie I must have thought the same so in thinking that I would be bored with the whole summer off, I got a job. **Later I learned that after 180 contact days where you don't get to leave your work at work like most people do...YOU TAKE THE SUMMER OFF!! However, I did it right and found a job that I love, with people (a second family) that I love even more!! I still work there during the summer, after school some days, and definitely on weddings and holidays when it gets crazy in the kitchen.

Tom & I being "Drunken" Onions working away at the Drunken Onion while the bossman is off skiing the first snowfall of the season! He bragged, we drank!

After three years at the high school I lost my job due to major budget cuts that hit our little district pretty hard. Once again in the right place at the right time my friend was looking for some help. As a musician, public speaker, and first time author with his book just released, he was looking for a manager to help plan a tour. I had the chance to work with him for about six months and in addition to various short events, planned a six week book tour on the East coast. We road tripped, did book signings, performances and speaking engagements from Richmond, VA up to Toronto, ON.

"No Hands Dan" Caro playing with Broad Street Band in Maine

In my time in Steamboat Springs I have also had the privelage to volunteer much of my time with a local organization called STARS - Steamboat Adaptive Recreational Sports. My year off from teaching left me with plenty of time during the day to use my educational background skiing with adaptive skiers. With my background in education and knowledge of behavior and disability I received many calls and requests and I even have a few regulars now.

Today I trained on various hand-bikes including this mountain handbike! I've also trained on bi-skis, mono-skis and will be doing an adaptive waterski training soon.

This year I was fortunate enough to be considered for a long-term substitute position in severe needs at the middle school. After teaching for most of the year I have been asked to stay for next year. Finally I am feeling some structure again..normal..the pieces are falling back into place and I am happier every day!

My class meeting Duncan and Bear the safety dog on our ski day at the mountain!





Outside of the job world I have also picked up a few new hobbies and activities since the big move! Here's to all my firsts!!

Since I have lived here I have learned to rock climb and even ice climbed once. I also rapelled down a high flowing waterfall. I have had a ski pass every year that started as a new sport and blossomed into volunteer opportunities and new friends. 

 Inspired by friends who dance and my love of music I auditioned for a local dance performance that raises money for dance scholarships and school dance education programs. I have performed in the production for three years!

Through skiing I have had the opportunity to take students on a weekend hut trip in the backcountry to a 10th mountain division hut over easter weekend and I also learned to ride the ski bike.

I took a chance on politics and became one of the faces and voices of the campaign through news and radio ads.
I also performed a very emotional piece this year in the Vagina Monologues to raise awareness for battered women and children and to raise money for Haiti and post-Katrina New Orleans. 

I worked as a counselor at a camp for teens living with Epilepsy for two years and made some life long friends and now am an instructor at Camp Invention this summer with primary aged kids. This year was my very first raft trip for a dear friend's 30th birthday. I've also done a little cliff jumping since I've been here - I can handle hanging off a 500ft rock by a skinny rope but jumping off anything terrifies me.

 

I have also gotten into mountain biking in the last year and was riding pretty well until there was a crash and a surgery. I am happily back on the bike and pushing it hard to try and get back to where I was. Unfortunately, the only pictures I have with a bike also include police, EMTs and an ambulance. We'll pass on those!

Overall, I've had a lot of firsts in my time here and I'm sure there are more that I am forgetting. There will certainly be more to come because I'm not done yet! Taking a chance and leaving my comfort zone has been the best thing I have ever done for myself! I have experienced so much growth through the challenges I have given myself and those that were unexpected. The people I have met, the friends I have made, and the experiences I have had get all the credit for who I am today and I wouldn't trade this life! I am so fortunate for all I have!                                          

30 for 30 and 30 more before 30

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30." Since then, I have seen it in e-mails, posted in bathrooms, and spread all over places that women gather. I always enjoy reading it and usually move on..until now. I am now 29+19 days and coming in hot towards 30. Aging isn't a huge stressor for me but I do feel like 30 is an important mile marker so it is time I consider this list more seriously (and with a few laughs at myself..).

By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. CHECK and CHECK
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. CHECK
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. CHECK
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. CHECK
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. CHECK
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. CHECK
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it. CHECK and WORKIN ON IT
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you. CHECK
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. CHECK
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. CHECK
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra. CHECK, sore subject, CHECK
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. CHECK
13. The belief that you deserve it. CHECK
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. CHECK
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better. CHECK, ?, CHECK

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS
2. How you feel about having kids. CHECK
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. CHECK
4. When to try harder and when to walk away. COULD BE BETTER
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. CHECK
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town. HMM
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. CHECK
8. How to take control of your own birthday. CHECK
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents. CHECK
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. CHECK
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. CHECK
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long. CHECK
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally. CHECK
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. CHECK
15. Why they say life begins at 30...LOOKING FORWARD TO FIGURING IT OUT

Now that I am confident that I have almost mastered this list, realizing I am still learning, always learning, I feel it is time to move forward and accomplish a few more things before I turn 30. 30 to be exact. This list is slowly building with recommendations/advice from others, inspiration from my reading, and overall growth that never seems to stop.

Get it together..

Lately I've been going back and forth in my mind with whether or not I am on the right track. I know I am good at my job and I feel effective and like each day I am making a difference. I have many ideas and very little time to execute them so I am always wishing I could do more. Most of the time I am hoping to have an opportunity to keep this job and make it my own over time and I can't dream of leaving and starting new somewhere else.

But..then I think that I am just a big chicken trying to hold on to what is comfortable and familiar. Why not run with the opportunity now while I am not tied down in any way? That's a scary thought. I did it once before. I graduated from college and moved halfway across the country with just one friend. I left everything I knew to come here and start fresh. It felt amazing!

Is it enough? Loving the town, the people, the surrounding natural paradise and what all of it has helped me grow to become over the past five years. Are these reasons enough to keep me here or just perfect examples of what a fresh start can do for me? I read this article the other day and while it is a little crude and was even for me slightly uncomfortable to read, it opened my eyes. What am I afraid of?

In the meantime, while considering whether to stick around or hit the road, I am reminded again about the chaos that is my life. I have a lot of stuff. I have gotten a little better over the years about getting rid of things and since I have lived in 5 long term homes in 5 years I have learned to purge with each move so that there is less to carry. Somehow...I still have the stuff. I talk with myself about sentimental value and the things I might need someday! I finally found the answer from The Minimalists. Josh and Ryan were two young guys making way too much money and finding plenty of reasons to spend it fast..sometimes faster than they were making it. They took an extreme approach to minimalism over a 21 day period so check out their journey. I was inspired reading about it and I'm not sure I'm as committed but if I could get half as far as they have gone I would be happy with myself.

Who knows where I am supposed to be. For now, I am taking the lazy way out and waiting to see what my current situation holds. The decision on my job should be confirmed this week so that will be a good jumping off point of what to do next. Perhaps it will even answer this looming question for me. We'll see...

You're the best..around!

I have some of the best friends. The old reliable who took me to the hospital, laughed with me through it all, ran errands for me, and stayed with me all day afterwards. The silly sidekick who showed up with a teddy bear as promised. The caretaker who made me a weeks worth of pre-packaged heat and serve breakfasts and promised a sleepover for the weekend. And the crazy one, guaranteed to shake things up, showed up at my door from Denver last night with a milkshake and friends. So lucky to have these people to look forward to when life gets me down, literally, on the couch.

Is she ALWAYS like THIS??

I read this article on Adventure Journal today and it reminded me of myself in recent days.

In Praise of Honest Enthusiasm for the Awesomeness of Life

Yesterday, I had surgery...and it was fun..weird. My best friend escorted me to the hospital as the sun was barely coming up and we were both annoyingly chipper as usual because who wants to be miserable in the hospital. As in many situations where we are too perky, the other folks in the day surgery waiting room did not appear to enjoy the sunny disposition we put forth at this hour early on a Thursday morning. Some even got up and went to the private waiting room where it was more quiet and we would not disturb them.

As the first round of patients were guided like cows headed for slaughter into the pre-op room, we giggled along behind the group and cheerfully greeted the nurses. With a few laughs I got dressed into the hospital uniform and sexy compression socks. I also took a beating from my nurse, who considered herself a badass, as my wimpy veins were not up to the challenge of an IV first thing in the morning. I am fully aware that my sense of  humor is absolutely a defense mechanism in many ways but I also find while it is a way for me to avoid my nerves it also is naturally calming if others around me are laughing and not being too serious. While I cannot control everything, the more smiles I can find make it easier.

The fun continued into surgery as I was given the chance to have an epidural and therefore be awake to watch my surgery. My smiley surgeon and silly anesthesiologist may have regretted this decision but they certainly laughed along with me through the procedure. I find it difficult not to make laser-like and munching sound effects as I watch scar tissue being eaten up and sliced apart and a landing rocket ship seemed appropriate in place of the needle I watched diving into my knee to add some local anesthetic to what they called "angry" tissue. They were not as amused and I was sad that they did not get my Monty Python reference when I asked if they remembered to bring in "the machine that goes BING!". They did laugh with me immediately after my question when a machine went BING! right after I asked.

Post-op was no different as i started to wiggle my feet as soon as i could and move my body around. I am not one to sit still for long and I was getting antsy even though my body was numb. The poor nurses thought it was the drugs making me loopy and kindly asked my partner in crime "Is she always like this or are the drugs still talking?". Nope, this is her! This is me..now, let's get outta here! From the day I found out I would have this surgery I gained 5+ pounds and put myself under too much stress over the whole situation. For me it was more about the financial aspect than the actual surgery but all of it was scary to me. I do this to myself more often than not and then once the day comes I manage to have fun with it and take it in stride. This surgery was no different. Looking back, it wasn't bad at all and I have fantastic friends around to take care of me and make sure Lucy is okay.

Make it count..

I came across this video on a friend's facebook page the other day and I haven't been able to get the message out of my head since my first viewing...

"Life is either daring adventure or nothing at all."

Helen Keller

"Buy the ticket take the ride." Hunter S. Thompson

The entire video and especially this quote particularly remind me of the book and movie which inspire me most when I am feeling down. Eat, Pray, Love moves me. Physically. Emotionally. I want to be where she is, feeling, learning. I want to buy a ticket and take off. "I want to go someplace and marvel at something." as said in the movie. When life becomes bland and I become numb, this gives me something to hope for.

"You only live once but if you do it right once is enough." 

Mae West

Hopefully all of these seemingly wrong decisions lead to a perfectly, wonderfully right one.

"Above all, try something." Franklin D. Roosevelt

Something, anything. I am a heart-on-my-sleeve type of girl. I'd rather say how I feel (most of the time) than wish that I had later. I have so much love to give but don't always accept it well. I like to try things that fill me with a similar feeling. The excitement that following the experience makes me want to kiss someone to somehow make that feeling contagious!

"I never worry about the future, it comes soon enough."

Albert Einstein

I am learning. Surrounded by people who like to jump to "what could be" and jaded by the thought of "well, that could've been amazing" I am now trying to live day-to-day. I refuse to assume the job is mine until it is mine. I won't get my hopes up about the possibilities until they become realities. I am trying my best not to stress about the things I cannot change until I have a way to change them.

"One who makes no mistakes makes nothing at all."

Giacomo Casanova

Mistakes + Me = Soulmates! If I hadn't screwed up as much as I have, and if other people hadn't wronged me the way so many have, I would not be where I am today. While somedays I feel that I am at my worst, for the moment I am where I want to be doing what I love. Life is a daily struggle to survive right now but looking back I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!

The trouble is all the street signs are written in squiggly lines...

Of all the famous quotes Casey used in making this film, this one line straight from him is my favorite. Eventually I get to where I should be. I get to a place where I fit and I am comfortable. The map to get there, however, is faded, the signs are blurry and sometimes it's all just squiggly lines!

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." Eleanor Roosevelt

"It's not brave if you're not scared." - Ben Affleck in BOUNCE

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count it's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

If I hadn't made it this far... I would never have learned to climb and appreciate the world from above. I would not live in a paradise where I am amazed at my surroundings daily. I would not have a job that I love and am proud of. I would not have found the friends that keep me going and challenge me to do more. I would not have found these ways to help others enjoy the things that I love. I would not be where I am.

"If I'd followed all the rules I'd never have gotten anywhere." Marilyn Monroe

I've learned that following all the rules does not necessarily get you ahead in this world. I did what was asked, I was honest, and I followed the rules and I watched others get by while I was left behind. Honesty, dedication, and taking pride in what you do is the best you can do while hoping your actions are acknowledged, respected and returned.

"Action expresses priorities." Gandhi

MAKE IT HAPPEN. MAKE IT COUNT!

"A day for the books"??

Why is it that we know instantly when a day starts out rough that more bad luck is on its way? Is this intention at work? Like, "This put me in a bad mood so everything is going to be bad today"? Do I create this for myself? The day started crazy and has only gone downhill since.

My day started with a maniac of a sixth grader running around the gym playing tag with the seventh grade girls and I see him messing with the button on his pants. Suddenly, I notice that he is running around with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped and tighty whities out for all to see! I called him over to me and explained how inappropriate this was and that the only time his pants should be unbuttoned is in the bathroom or locker room changing. He agreed and went on his way. Moments later I see that the pants are still open and flapping in the breeze as he runs along. This time I remove him to the hallway where he explains that they accidentally came unbuttoned when he was putting them on (this beanpole pulls up buttoned pants as though they are sweats). I asked if he needed help fixing the situation and he stood very still while I buttoned and zipped his pants. He went on his merry way.

Working in the field of special education certainly does not lack variety. I learn things like this daily. Today I learned after working with him for five months that my wacky, tiny and very loud sixth grader cannot button and zip his own pants. Usually we learn this as kids need help in the bathroom or changing for gym, however when this little guy has no body shape and weighs about fifty pounds he doesn't need to button and zip anything. He just wiggles in.

I get dizzy from how much I shake my head on some days.

Working with a student on a crossword about the five senses: which sense will tell you whether a surface is rough or soft? {crickets...}

When the adult responsible for making sure one student makes it to a field trip also takes her to Starbucks, his house, and his other job and doesn't understand why that might be frowned upon?

When no one can seem to let the dirty dishes in the sink soak as I left them to do but rather stack them next to the sink to let the crust dry on?

Why my desk is the depository for random, questionable things found on the floor? Because obviously I want them for my trash collection...

Like I need a reminder?

But here are a few of my favorite reminders that I live in paradise...

This is a pretty common photo of the place that I call home! It is on books, decks of cards, t-shirts, coffee mugs, and countless other souvenirs. Rather often it shows up in the paper with the same view only slightly varied depending on the season. In just two months, I will celebrate my five year anniversary in this beautiful bubble in the rockies and still I look at this view daily and am amazed and grateful to be surrounded by so much beauty.

There are a few other views in town, though, that really make me giddy inside and feel an internal connection to my mountain home.

rolling into SPRING!!

I moved here a few short months after falling in love with this little ski town following a short visit. While that is the reason I chose to come here, ultimately it was for a job teaching at the high school in the fall of 2007. This is a common view of the SSHS football/soccer/lacrosse field in the early spring. While most schools are getting outside to practice for upcoming sports seasons, we in the bubble are usually still getting dumped on with snow. The only way for our teams to get practice time in, outside of practicing in the gym, is to plow the snow off the field. The lacrosse team practices with neon balls so that they can be found in the snow and they hit the field daily, snow or not. This is such a unique and special image for me after a long work day with short winter hours. As the sun goes down and the temperature drops, these athletes are happily hitting the field...in the snow! *picture borrowed from www.steamboattoday.com

here comes SUMMER!!

This happens to be the boyfriend of the previously mentioned amazing forever friend but he, while also amazing, is not the view I wish to speak of. The favorite moment here is in late spring, locally called "mud season", when the mountain is closed and there is still a ton of snow and it is hot out but still too muddy to hit the trail with your mountain bike..THIS is what the lunch hour looks like in Steamboat. People hop on their bikes with skis (over the shoulder, like Pete, or strategically mounted to the bike) to commute to an easy hike nearby and get some sunny spring turns in. This is dedication to a sport..or two! I, however, do not trust myself to be this coordinated but it puts a smile on my face every time!

Another favorite view, while not as adventurous, is the car with loaded Thule box or rack on top and a loaded bike rack on the back. I know just the subaru I am thinking of, now to hurry and get the picture!

SUMMER is here...or it might be soon!

Mud season also means river season around here. If the snow is melting that means the river is rising and tubing is not just a novelty when you live in this town. Tubing starts early, sometimes too early, when the water is flowing and often still frigid. Most people around the age of fun own their own tube and most likely have a strategy for carrying beverages, special blends of cocktails for such occasions, how to transport 6 people with full tubes in a clown-car fashion, and can tell you the best spots on the river to get in, get out, flip over...whatever your looking for, these guys have the details! I really wanted this to be a picture of a tiny car with tubes on top and being held out the window, as I have done many times, but I seriously couldn't find one. Maybe soon..it is about that time again!

There really are so many things that truly define this town for me but these are the top..the Best of the Boat, if you will! I was truly inspired to write this early this morning when driving to school. Today was "Bike and Hike to School Day" and on my way in I passed young twin boys (10?) riding side-by-side to school on uni-cycles.  With helmets and backpacks on, they cheerfully peddled their way to school. While I am crushed that I did not get a picture of them, I figured my job as a teacher would be compromised if I took my eyes off the road, in a school zone, next to some wobbly uni-cyclers and other distracted motorists, to take a picture with my phone! Stupid conscience! They were adorable! TRUST!



Nervous for the future.

Who knows what the future holds?

I've been given little hints of confidence lately regarding the future of my position.
The teacher I am covering a maternity leave for has submitted a request for a leave of absence for the next year. Many think she will not return at the end. Many think I am a shoe-in for the job. I, however, have a lack of confidence in this opportunity. It has been presented to me by the one person who will ultimately make the decision whether or not I stay as an opening (possibly two) for the next year, the principal. I am nervous..I feel like I have committed myself to a few things over the past two years of searching and not had the returns expected. I keep saying that I cannot assume and put all of my eggs in one basket until I know for sure that I have the job. I want it...I really do. But I have all of these people saying it's mine, why wouldn't it be? I am scared to believe it because what if it isn't and I haven't done anything else? I will apply, I will hope, dream, wonder, and continue to be a basketcase until I know for sure. Then, I will breathe. And we will party!

So get ready...because I won't!!!

Forever friends...

When I met Morgan I knew she was something special..even our meeting seemed lucky.

I was out with an old boyfriend who I taught with and a handful of other teachers rock climbing one day when this girl appeared at the base of the climb. She rolled up on her bike and said that the asked at the local gear-shop where she might find people to climb with and they sent her to our very site. She went on to explain that she had been in town just two days and was excited to see people climbing. We asked where she came from? What was her story? She said I got a job teaching at the high school for the following year as an art teacher. We all smiled, looked at each other, and welcomed her. For on her second day in town she had found a math teacher, an english teacher, two spanish teachers and a special education teacher, all from the high school.

We invited her over for a barbeque that night and she has been a best friend since.

Soon after, I had a terrible break-up with my live-in boyfriend. Still barely knowing me, she invited me to move in with her for as long as I needed to cope and get back on my feet. She has been with me through ups and downs and plenty of laughs and just as many tears. She is there for it all.

After losing my job at the high school we have parted ways simply because we do not see each other daily. We still come together each time as we were never apart.

Last night, Morgan took me out for a belated birthday because she was out of town on a photo assignment for the actual celebration. We started at happy hour and caught up on all we had missed in each other's lives. She took me to dinner where we shared an appetizer and talked about the future. We ordered with plans of sharing because neither of us could decide but were happy to share with each other. Over cocktails, food and wine..with long gaps between talks..with years of happy, sad, struggles, and success..we were there, together, like nothing has changed, just like the day it all began.

Some friends are temporary, some are a phase, some are forever and nothing will change.
Love this girl and forever excited to see what happens next!
Best belated birthday!

Welp..that was easy.

29 was ushered in calmly and quietly..maybe that's a good thing. I am grateful for the people I did get to share part of my day with. They are genuine and loving and their unnecessary gifts had meaning.

• Chocolate with bacon, a favorite snack that my friends do not understand. JK
• Trashy blue eye shadow because I've decided that with some ridiculous make-up and big hair, clothes don't matter.  JK
• Flowers to brighten my dark disaster of a house that I cannot seem to find the energy to tackle. JK
• Diamond-shaped ice cube molds to add a little sparkle to refreshment. MC
• A birthday serenade in a crowded gondola square. CK
• Many many electronic birthday messages on fb, text, etc.
• Lots of love and hugs.
• I also used my birthday discount at Ski Haus to get a new skirt for the warm weather and a hat to protect my poor head from the sun. (I've already burned it once this year..)

With all of this to be thankful for, somehow my birthday just seemed like another regular day. Mostly uneventful, my friends joined me for the afternoon concert at the ski area and then for an early dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant. We decided to depart for naps and gather later to go out for the night. The latter never happened. Lack of enthusiasm killed my mood and I decided I'd rather stay home alone. I feel selfish for not being satisfied but I am feeling a little short-changed this beautiful Easter morning. I'm trying to be happy but I just can't seem to get out of this funk. Off to prepare something for Easter brunch and hopefully I can find some motivation to be productive today.

29

When you can no longer go forward, which path in life do you take? The one to the left where nothing is right or the one to the right where nothing is left?

Perhaps a little negative for the birthday but let's be honest..I've been a little negative about life lately. As usual I got really excited about my birthday about a week ago but as the week went on my excitement faded. I can't seem to get rid of this dark cloud over my head but I'm getting pretty good at putting on a happy face, pretending nothing is wrong and moving forward. I'm stressed about my upcoming surgery, the impending job hunt and the applications and interviews that come with it, finances and how to get by, and how to maintain some quality of life when feeling guilty every time I go out. There's also my house, which happens to be a disaster on a regular basis but I'm so exhausted from the rest of it I can't seem to get it together... UGH..wah wah wah.

Moving on..I have had some sunshine in my life this week!

A former student with a fantastic heart delivered these to school for me on Monday with a note wishing me a great birthday week. They have only gotten more beautiful with each passing day and given me some peace with all the stress I am putting on myself.

I made myself this rainbow birthday cake to take to school yesterday and frosted it white so the colors were a total surprise when we cut into it. The kids loved it and it brought many smiles to the end of a hectic week.

I also got a bit of an early birthday surprise two weeks ago. I was walking into the office at school to grab some supplies and one of our three beautiful secretaries said that I had missed a visitor. She gave me a piece of paper with a name and phone number and I almost fainted. It had the name of the strongest and most admirable little ladies I have ever met on it. She was my favorite camper in my first year as a counselor at a camp for kids with epilepsy and became my assistant the second year. At 19 years old she has travelled the country advocating for epilepsy awareness and set an example for all ages living with the disorder through talks and PSA's. She's also incredibly talented and extremely adorable!

I call the number and excitedly ask what she is doing in Steamboat. Her response left me speechless.. "I moved here in December and I've been looking for you ever since!" I promptly packed my things at school and was ready to rush out and meet her at the end of the day. We met for a non-alcoholic happy hour and caught up on the past two years since we've seen each other. As incredible as she always was, I look forward to being nearby and having her in my life again!



EPIC powder days

In the beginning I hated powder days. When you lack consistent control on skis, are terrified of speed, and you are just learning, skiing powder is like gliding through wet concrete. Without momentum you are forever stuck trying to lift your little crappy all mountain skis out to get a little float on the quicksand only to sink again and get stuck. Powder is exhausting.

Once I got a little better and understood how to sit back and ride it, I became a powder snob. I hated skiing on hard pack and ice because I was so used to the powder my form was stuck in the back seat and I could never catch an edge.

This season has been a tough one. Coming off of injuries and with a constant fear of getting hurt again I went back to being a very cautious skier. The lack of snow in the early season not only took away from the local skiers morale but also from my rehab. Being able to ski regularly was expected to be my best therapy as that was the area I lost the most strength from. It has been slippery and icy and every little slip of my ski has me tensing my whole body and beating myself up. I have only been out for 5 days of personal skiing for fun and just a few more than that as a volunteer working with adaptive skiers. Last year I had 30+ days in by now.

Yesterday it all changed. I woke up to a grouchy dog barking...barking at the plow trucks outside. I looked out the window to see most of the cars in my parking lot buried in feet of snow. I kissed that genius dog and called the ski report. 27" in the past 24 hours, she said! HOLY COW! I sent a message out to the usual suspects and made a plan to pick up some fat powder skis and get on that fluffy stuff as soon as possible.

After a quick breakfast my best girl J came to pick me up. We ran to the ski shop down the street and picked up some fat demo skis for the day. We made a call to a friend with ski in/ski out access and got permission to park at his house for easy access to an upper lift. After a sketchy park job in his un-plowed driveway we hopped on the lift with most of Steamboat and hundreds of out-of-towners visiting for Presidents Day. The snowfall was said to have broken a record for a single days snowfall in almost twenty years and we felt it. Groomers had to carve paths on some flat surfaces just so people could ski through without getting stuck - I've never been more thankful to see a groomed trail through powder in my life!

Truly the most fun I've ever had skiing, we would make a plan on the lift ride up for our next run and something else would catch our eye while unloading and plans would suddenly change. Like kids in a candy store our eyes were darting from one option to another and we couldn't decide so we just kept going from one cloud of snow to the next! My favorite part of these days are the giggles, hoots and hollers you can hear coming from every skier on the mountain. We can't help ourselves but to shout out our extreme happiness to give thanks to Mother Nature for the gift she has given us! (mine were silenced by laryngitis but that didn't stop me from getting out to enjoy it)

As the saying goes "there are no friends on a powder day" meaning as much as we value our friendships we don't wait around for anyone and enjoy the incredible snow at our own pace. What I realized on this EPIC Champagne Powder day is that while there are no friends on a powder day it is also the case that everyone is your friend on a powder day. Skiers and boarders, snowbikes and sit-skis, everyone is having an epic day and we are all psyched to share in the joy the snow brings. We love hearing eachother's Yahooooos and Wheeeeeeees and watching eachother crash into a cloud knowing it didn't hurt and was entirely caused by one's letting go and just living!

Yesterday, in that record-breaking snow with one of my best friends, I skied hard, I laughed harder, I lived the life of a local in a town where that is a sign of status, and I felt alive!

This is living!

Awareness.

I am always thinking that if I had more I would give it away. Thought: If I won the lottery, I could donate to charities and get more involved. Thought: If I had more money, I could sponsor kids or families in need. Thought: If I had more money (enter great charitable thing I would love to do)

I realized something within the chaos of my decision to participate in the Vagina Monologues for VDAY.

I am totally charitable!

My participation in Steamboat Dance Theatre the last three years has helped raise money for scholarships to help local aspiring dancers to spend time doing what they love! Perhaps someday they will do the same to give back to the dance community.

So much of my decision to do the Monologues was based on the money and awareness this event raises for an amazing local organization. Sexual and physical abuse are just some of the problems that are supported by this performance.

While I certainly don't have the money to give right now, I do have my time and (cough) talent to donate to the cause. I would love it to be more but for now, that will have to do and I am proud to give what I can!

My vagina has a first name...

(why was the bologna song all I could think of? seems counterintuitive..)

For me, moving to Colorado has been more than just a cross-country move. It is a new life. It is change. Originally I came here to teach. I wanted to live in Colorado and I was ready to start a career in teaching. I never could have guessed what that move would do for my life. Never much of an athlete, I began rock climbing with some of the best climbers in the area and I fell in love. I was hungry for something that was mine. Activity where I could shine on my own and use my own strength to move forward. It wasn't about anyone but me. Next, I stepped far out of my comfort zone and auditioned for dance theatre. Never having auditioned for anything in my life, I was terrified and excited and humiliated all at the same time. I got in, I performed, and I loved every minute. Pushing further out of my comfort zone was the great amount of time I was spending with girls. I liked them..they liked me..we laughed..ALOT! And I loved it all.

Anyways....

Last night I signed on to perform in this years V-day performance of the Vagina Monologues. My fascination with this play goes back to my early teenage years when I saw a performance on HBO (back when HBO showed more than series' and dramas and played the same things every night for weeks). I had a deep appreciation for the strength those women had to put themselves out there and speak with such raw emotion. I was moved by the stories shared and the independence and power of the women performing them. I wanted to be a part of that energy.

I am not a performer. Although I am about to go on stage for my third year of Steamboat Dance Theatre, I will still tell you with confidence that I am not a dancer. I just love to dance. I love the music, I love seeing the show come together through the work of many, and I cherish my time with my girls. I have not had an issue with the audience..yet..and for some reason the power of the group gives me the strength to be up there. I am hoping I can draw the same energy from the women in this production - I don't think I will have a problem.

Here is a little background from VDAY:
"V-Day is a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls. V-Day is a catalyst that promotes creative events to increase awareness, raise money, and revitalize the spirit of existing anti-violence organizations. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sex slavery."

Our production is giving 90% of the proceeds to the local organization Advocates Building Peaceful Communities which serves both women and children in crisis. The remaining 10% will go to Haiti, one of the main beneficiaries of the VDAY organization.

I have had a difficult time deciding whether to be a part of this over the years and while still conflicted, this is my year. I worry that an uninformed parent will see my name connected to "The V Word" (eeewwwwww) and assume the worst. I have decided that it is not worth it to let down a cause I believe in..just in case someone gets upset because they didn't do their research. My plan is to be readily armed with information to confidently support my choice. It is my time.

That said..here is my own version of a monologue..not from the vagina directly..but you get the idea.

I Never Had a Voice..

When I was little everyone was too busy.

When I needed to speak there were doctors, there was the hospital, there was chaos...always.

I was fortunate enough to have a family willing to chip in and help take care of me but I was passed around.

I always felt that when I wanted to do something it was "maybe tomorrow" or "how 'bout later."

I was small..shy..and I didn't have a voice.

I grew up a little and became more independent.

I dealt with loss at an early age and handled it better than most.

I played the game of school and did what I was supposed to do...

while my brother did drugs, talked back, and screwed up.

It began.

He screamed for attention..and I didn't have a voice.

I got older and started out on my own.

Driving. Parties. Friends.

It continued.

I became attached to another family for some extra support and a safe place to get away.

I worked, paid bills, and played the game.

I had something to say.

I get very easily frustrated when I have to repeat myself.

I want you to listen..hear me..care.

I think at one point I suddenly changed from a shy little girl

to a motor-mouthed woman because I had so much to say.

I realize now this is because I need to be heard so badly for what I held in for so long.

I went away to school, away from home, and I loved it.

I came home to visit.

It still continued.

I fought it..without a voice.

I told someone - my parents - and I was told not to tell anyone.

It was a secret.

I had no voice.

I moved away.

I love my life.

It's all over and I am happy.

Here is my voice!

It started when I was ten or eleven and a new family moved in across the street. I still remember it. They took me around the corner of the house one day by the air conditioner out back and the older one pulled down his pants and made me look at his penis. I don't remember if they made me do anything else.

I never forgot.

I am not sure if this was before or after that happened but one day he came home with a pornographic movie - no clue how or where he got it. He made me watch it. I'm sure I was threatened not to tell anyone but I'm not sure how.

I still remember.

Later, in high school, junior or senior year.

I remember being in the shower at our new house and seeing a shadow move out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, and there he was standing on the bathroom counter looking down at me in the shower. I became extremely paranoid after that and began stuffing towels under the door and locking it.

He still got in.

The doors unlocked from the outside. I jammed objects in the knob so it could not be opened. I thought I had it all figured out for a while. One day I turned the lights off in the bathroom and noticed a glow. The floor vent into the bathroom had been bent so that you could see into the basement from the bathroom..and from the basement into the bathroom. Another hole to cover.

I remember so many times I would wake up in my bed to him standing there staring. After confronting him, he just walked away as though nothing had happened.

I quit sleeping in my bed.

I remember a few different times my high school sweetheart and I were lying on the couch under a blanket fooling around and watching a movie and I caught him sneaking up the stairs to catch a peek.

I went to college. I loved school and learning and knowing that someday my life would be mine and no longer controlled by someone else. I came home for Christmas one year and got silk pajamas for Christmas Eve as a gift. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2am to an arm reaching down over me. It was unbuttoning my shirt - my new silk pajama shirt. I turned and screamed at him and he hid around the corner like I didn't know. Like nothing was wrong. I never wore them again.

Nothing was ever wrong.

In fact, everything was my fault. Everything was blamed on me and I was called a whore. Fortunately, I have done so much growing up in my life that I knew better. I knew I wasn't the whore he called me, and I knew that I was good. It just didn't always feel that way.

2012

Happy New Year!
It's 2012. Today doesn't feel any different than yesterday.
2011 had it's share of ups and downs, laughs, challenges, smiles and tears and I'm ready to say goodbye!
There was an ending that seemed like the end of the world but looking back it happened just as it should have. There was an accident that seemed so unfortunate and just the muddy icing that the crap-cake of my year needed to top it off but it turned out to be quite a blessing. There were losses and gains. There have been amazing friendships and great times. There have been travels and parties and plenty fun. Last year was all over the place so this year I am trying to start with a different tone. Order, dedication and success are the theme. With a new job I love, an overall feeling of calm, and a mind that is somewhat together (for the moment), I am ready for a new beginning. Bring it on 2012!