Forever friends...

When I met Morgan I knew she was something special..even our meeting seemed lucky.

I was out with an old boyfriend who I taught with and a handful of other teachers rock climbing one day when this girl appeared at the base of the climb. She rolled up on her bike and said that the asked at the local gear-shop where she might find people to climb with and they sent her to our very site. She went on to explain that she had been in town just two days and was excited to see people climbing. We asked where she came from? What was her story? She said I got a job teaching at the high school for the following year as an art teacher. We all smiled, looked at each other, and welcomed her. For on her second day in town she had found a math teacher, an english teacher, two spanish teachers and a special education teacher, all from the high school.

We invited her over for a barbeque that night and she has been a best friend since.

Soon after, I had a terrible break-up with my live-in boyfriend. Still barely knowing me, she invited me to move in with her for as long as I needed to cope and get back on my feet. She has been with me through ups and downs and plenty of laughs and just as many tears. She is there for it all.

After losing my job at the high school we have parted ways simply because we do not see each other daily. We still come together each time as we were never apart.

Last night, Morgan took me out for a belated birthday because she was out of town on a photo assignment for the actual celebration. We started at happy hour and caught up on all we had missed in each other's lives. She took me to dinner where we shared an appetizer and talked about the future. We ordered with plans of sharing because neither of us could decide but were happy to share with each other. Over cocktails, food and wine..with long gaps between talks..with years of happy, sad, struggles, and success..we were there, together, like nothing has changed, just like the day it all began.

Some friends are temporary, some are a phase, some are forever and nothing will change.
Love this girl and forever excited to see what happens next!
Best belated birthday!

Welp..that was easy.

29 was ushered in calmly and quietly..maybe that's a good thing. I am grateful for the people I did get to share part of my day with. They are genuine and loving and their unnecessary gifts had meaning.

• Chocolate with bacon, a favorite snack that my friends do not understand. JK
• Trashy blue eye shadow because I've decided that with some ridiculous make-up and big hair, clothes don't matter.  JK
• Flowers to brighten my dark disaster of a house that I cannot seem to find the energy to tackle. JK
• Diamond-shaped ice cube molds to add a little sparkle to refreshment. MC
• A birthday serenade in a crowded gondola square. CK
• Many many electronic birthday messages on fb, text, etc.
• Lots of love and hugs.
• I also used my birthday discount at Ski Haus to get a new skirt for the warm weather and a hat to protect my poor head from the sun. (I've already burned it once this year..)

With all of this to be thankful for, somehow my birthday just seemed like another regular day. Mostly uneventful, my friends joined me for the afternoon concert at the ski area and then for an early dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant. We decided to depart for naps and gather later to go out for the night. The latter never happened. Lack of enthusiasm killed my mood and I decided I'd rather stay home alone. I feel selfish for not being satisfied but I am feeling a little short-changed this beautiful Easter morning. I'm trying to be happy but I just can't seem to get out of this funk. Off to prepare something for Easter brunch and hopefully I can find some motivation to be productive today.

29

When you can no longer go forward, which path in life do you take? The one to the left where nothing is right or the one to the right where nothing is left?

Perhaps a little negative for the birthday but let's be honest..I've been a little negative about life lately. As usual I got really excited about my birthday about a week ago but as the week went on my excitement faded. I can't seem to get rid of this dark cloud over my head but I'm getting pretty good at putting on a happy face, pretending nothing is wrong and moving forward. I'm stressed about my upcoming surgery, the impending job hunt and the applications and interviews that come with it, finances and how to get by, and how to maintain some quality of life when feeling guilty every time I go out. There's also my house, which happens to be a disaster on a regular basis but I'm so exhausted from the rest of it I can't seem to get it together... UGH..wah wah wah.

Moving on..I have had some sunshine in my life this week!

A former student with a fantastic heart delivered these to school for me on Monday with a note wishing me a great birthday week. They have only gotten more beautiful with each passing day and given me some peace with all the stress I am putting on myself.

I made myself this rainbow birthday cake to take to school yesterday and frosted it white so the colors were a total surprise when we cut into it. The kids loved it and it brought many smiles to the end of a hectic week.

I also got a bit of an early birthday surprise two weeks ago. I was walking into the office at school to grab some supplies and one of our three beautiful secretaries said that I had missed a visitor. She gave me a piece of paper with a name and phone number and I almost fainted. It had the name of the strongest and most admirable little ladies I have ever met on it. She was my favorite camper in my first year as a counselor at a camp for kids with epilepsy and became my assistant the second year. At 19 years old she has travelled the country advocating for epilepsy awareness and set an example for all ages living with the disorder through talks and PSA's. She's also incredibly talented and extremely adorable!

I call the number and excitedly ask what she is doing in Steamboat. Her response left me speechless.. "I moved here in December and I've been looking for you ever since!" I promptly packed my things at school and was ready to rush out and meet her at the end of the day. We met for a non-alcoholic happy hour and caught up on the past two years since we've seen each other. As incredible as she always was, I look forward to being nearby and having her in my life again!



EPIC powder days

In the beginning I hated powder days. When you lack consistent control on skis, are terrified of speed, and you are just learning, skiing powder is like gliding through wet concrete. Without momentum you are forever stuck trying to lift your little crappy all mountain skis out to get a little float on the quicksand only to sink again and get stuck. Powder is exhausting.

Once I got a little better and understood how to sit back and ride it, I became a powder snob. I hated skiing on hard pack and ice because I was so used to the powder my form was stuck in the back seat and I could never catch an edge.

This season has been a tough one. Coming off of injuries and with a constant fear of getting hurt again I went back to being a very cautious skier. The lack of snow in the early season not only took away from the local skiers morale but also from my rehab. Being able to ski regularly was expected to be my best therapy as that was the area I lost the most strength from. It has been slippery and icy and every little slip of my ski has me tensing my whole body and beating myself up. I have only been out for 5 days of personal skiing for fun and just a few more than that as a volunteer working with adaptive skiers. Last year I had 30+ days in by now.

Yesterday it all changed. I woke up to a grouchy dog barking...barking at the plow trucks outside. I looked out the window to see most of the cars in my parking lot buried in feet of snow. I kissed that genius dog and called the ski report. 27" in the past 24 hours, she said! HOLY COW! I sent a message out to the usual suspects and made a plan to pick up some fat powder skis and get on that fluffy stuff as soon as possible.

After a quick breakfast my best girl J came to pick me up. We ran to the ski shop down the street and picked up some fat demo skis for the day. We made a call to a friend with ski in/ski out access and got permission to park at his house for easy access to an upper lift. After a sketchy park job in his un-plowed driveway we hopped on the lift with most of Steamboat and hundreds of out-of-towners visiting for Presidents Day. The snowfall was said to have broken a record for a single days snowfall in almost twenty years and we felt it. Groomers had to carve paths on some flat surfaces just so people could ski through without getting stuck - I've never been more thankful to see a groomed trail through powder in my life!

Truly the most fun I've ever had skiing, we would make a plan on the lift ride up for our next run and something else would catch our eye while unloading and plans would suddenly change. Like kids in a candy store our eyes were darting from one option to another and we couldn't decide so we just kept going from one cloud of snow to the next! My favorite part of these days are the giggles, hoots and hollers you can hear coming from every skier on the mountain. We can't help ourselves but to shout out our extreme happiness to give thanks to Mother Nature for the gift she has given us! (mine were silenced by laryngitis but that didn't stop me from getting out to enjoy it)

As the saying goes "there are no friends on a powder day" meaning as much as we value our friendships we don't wait around for anyone and enjoy the incredible snow at our own pace. What I realized on this EPIC Champagne Powder day is that while there are no friends on a powder day it is also the case that everyone is your friend on a powder day. Skiers and boarders, snowbikes and sit-skis, everyone is having an epic day and we are all psyched to share in the joy the snow brings. We love hearing eachother's Yahooooos and Wheeeeeeees and watching eachother crash into a cloud knowing it didn't hurt and was entirely caused by one's letting go and just living!

Yesterday, in that record-breaking snow with one of my best friends, I skied hard, I laughed harder, I lived the life of a local in a town where that is a sign of status, and I felt alive!

This is living!

Awareness.

I am always thinking that if I had more I would give it away. Thought: If I won the lottery, I could donate to charities and get more involved. Thought: If I had more money, I could sponsor kids or families in need. Thought: If I had more money (enter great charitable thing I would love to do)

I realized something within the chaos of my decision to participate in the Vagina Monologues for VDAY.

I am totally charitable!

My participation in Steamboat Dance Theatre the last three years has helped raise money for scholarships to help local aspiring dancers to spend time doing what they love! Perhaps someday they will do the same to give back to the dance community.

So much of my decision to do the Monologues was based on the money and awareness this event raises for an amazing local organization. Sexual and physical abuse are just some of the problems that are supported by this performance.

While I certainly don't have the money to give right now, I do have my time and (cough) talent to donate to the cause. I would love it to be more but for now, that will have to do and I am proud to give what I can!

My vagina has a first name...

(why was the bologna song all I could think of? seems counterintuitive..)

For me, moving to Colorado has been more than just a cross-country move. It is a new life. It is change. Originally I came here to teach. I wanted to live in Colorado and I was ready to start a career in teaching. I never could have guessed what that move would do for my life. Never much of an athlete, I began rock climbing with some of the best climbers in the area and I fell in love. I was hungry for something that was mine. Activity where I could shine on my own and use my own strength to move forward. It wasn't about anyone but me. Next, I stepped far out of my comfort zone and auditioned for dance theatre. Never having auditioned for anything in my life, I was terrified and excited and humiliated all at the same time. I got in, I performed, and I loved every minute. Pushing further out of my comfort zone was the great amount of time I was spending with girls. I liked them..they liked me..we laughed..ALOT! And I loved it all.

Anyways....

Last night I signed on to perform in this years V-day performance of the Vagina Monologues. My fascination with this play goes back to my early teenage years when I saw a performance on HBO (back when HBO showed more than series' and dramas and played the same things every night for weeks). I had a deep appreciation for the strength those women had to put themselves out there and speak with such raw emotion. I was moved by the stories shared and the independence and power of the women performing them. I wanted to be a part of that energy.

I am not a performer. Although I am about to go on stage for my third year of Steamboat Dance Theatre, I will still tell you with confidence that I am not a dancer. I just love to dance. I love the music, I love seeing the show come together through the work of many, and I cherish my time with my girls. I have not had an issue with the audience..yet..and for some reason the power of the group gives me the strength to be up there. I am hoping I can draw the same energy from the women in this production - I don't think I will have a problem.

Here is a little background from VDAY:
"V-Day is a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls. V-Day is a catalyst that promotes creative events to increase awareness, raise money, and revitalize the spirit of existing anti-violence organizations. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sex slavery."

Our production is giving 90% of the proceeds to the local organization Advocates Building Peaceful Communities which serves both women and children in crisis. The remaining 10% will go to Haiti, one of the main beneficiaries of the VDAY organization.

I have had a difficult time deciding whether to be a part of this over the years and while still conflicted, this is my year. I worry that an uninformed parent will see my name connected to "The V Word" (eeewwwwww) and assume the worst. I have decided that it is not worth it to let down a cause I believe in..just in case someone gets upset because they didn't do their research. My plan is to be readily armed with information to confidently support my choice. It is my time.

That said..here is my own version of a monologue..not from the vagina directly..but you get the idea.

I Never Had a Voice..

When I was little everyone was too busy.

When I needed to speak there were doctors, there was the hospital, there was chaos...always.

I was fortunate enough to have a family willing to chip in and help take care of me but I was passed around.

I always felt that when I wanted to do something it was "maybe tomorrow" or "how 'bout later."

I was small..shy..and I didn't have a voice.

I grew up a little and became more independent.

I dealt with loss at an early age and handled it better than most.

I played the game of school and did what I was supposed to do...

while my brother did drugs, talked back, and screwed up.

It began.

He screamed for attention..and I didn't have a voice.

I got older and started out on my own.

Driving. Parties. Friends.

It continued.

I became attached to another family for some extra support and a safe place to get away.

I worked, paid bills, and played the game.

I had something to say.

I get very easily frustrated when I have to repeat myself.

I want you to listen..hear me..care.

I think at one point I suddenly changed from a shy little girl

to a motor-mouthed woman because I had so much to say.

I realize now this is because I need to be heard so badly for what I held in for so long.

I went away to school, away from home, and I loved it.

I came home to visit.

It still continued.

I fought it..without a voice.

I told someone - my parents - and I was told not to tell anyone.

It was a secret.

I had no voice.

I moved away.

I love my life.

It's all over and I am happy.

Here is my voice!

It started when I was ten or eleven and a new family moved in across the street. I still remember it. They took me around the corner of the house one day by the air conditioner out back and the older one pulled down his pants and made me look at his penis. I don't remember if they made me do anything else.

I never forgot.

I am not sure if this was before or after that happened but one day he came home with a pornographic movie - no clue how or where he got it. He made me watch it. I'm sure I was threatened not to tell anyone but I'm not sure how.

I still remember.

Later, in high school, junior or senior year.

I remember being in the shower at our new house and seeing a shadow move out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, and there he was standing on the bathroom counter looking down at me in the shower. I became extremely paranoid after that and began stuffing towels under the door and locking it.

He still got in.

The doors unlocked from the outside. I jammed objects in the knob so it could not be opened. I thought I had it all figured out for a while. One day I turned the lights off in the bathroom and noticed a glow. The floor vent into the bathroom had been bent so that you could see into the basement from the bathroom..and from the basement into the bathroom. Another hole to cover.

I remember so many times I would wake up in my bed to him standing there staring. After confronting him, he just walked away as though nothing had happened.

I quit sleeping in my bed.

I remember a few different times my high school sweetheart and I were lying on the couch under a blanket fooling around and watching a movie and I caught him sneaking up the stairs to catch a peek.

I went to college. I loved school and learning and knowing that someday my life would be mine and no longer controlled by someone else. I came home for Christmas one year and got silk pajamas for Christmas Eve as a gift. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2am to an arm reaching down over me. It was unbuttoning my shirt - my new silk pajama shirt. I turned and screamed at him and he hid around the corner like I didn't know. Like nothing was wrong. I never wore them again.

Nothing was ever wrong.

In fact, everything was my fault. Everything was blamed on me and I was called a whore. Fortunately, I have done so much growing up in my life that I knew better. I knew I wasn't the whore he called me, and I knew that I was good. It just didn't always feel that way.

2012

Happy New Year!
It's 2012. Today doesn't feel any different than yesterday.
2011 had it's share of ups and downs, laughs, challenges, smiles and tears and I'm ready to say goodbye!
There was an ending that seemed like the end of the world but looking back it happened just as it should have. There was an accident that seemed so unfortunate and just the muddy icing that the crap-cake of my year needed to top it off but it turned out to be quite a blessing. There were losses and gains. There have been amazing friendships and great times. There have been travels and parties and plenty fun. Last year was all over the place so this year I am trying to start with a different tone. Order, dedication and success are the theme. With a new job I love, an overall feeling of calm, and a mind that is somewhat together (for the moment), I am ready for a new beginning. Bring it on 2012!