flowers and balloons!

How magical to come home to a house full of these? It would be like floating in a sea of bubbles!

I think I'm going to get myself some pretty flowers to brighten up my week..

Inspiration

 “A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations.”

Patricia Neal

Food is love..

Friday Birthday Dirty Thirty Cupcakes..

..Okay, let's get serious..these are Gluten Free Chocolate Cupcakes with Fresh Banana Filling, Peanut Butter-Bacon Cream Cheese Frosting and Candied Bacon on top. Seriously..I mean it! These treats were for G's dirty thirty. J helped me make them and 104 cupcakes later the party started! LOVE!

Friday Night G's Birthday Late-night Crazy..

This is the Jon Thursday of Rowdy Shadehouse. The band's website describes him by saying "Jon brings a show, the likes of which haven't been seen since James Brown. His lyrics are raunchy, and his pelvis is on a swivel. Whachu talk'n 'bout Music!" (first of all, shouldn't there be a question mark in there?) And Seriously? I'm not sure how to describe this shirtless man and his jegging pride except to say that as we danced with his "swivel" we couldn't help but be reminded of Russell Brand. (RB would have been much cooler though)

Saturday Marathon began with brunch that I wish I had taken a picture of but scarfed down instead...and then....

Volleyball!! In the sand!! SAND VOLLEYBALL!! (with margarita popsicles)

Post-brunch the whole concert crew met up at the park to play a little sand volleyball...in the sand!! I brought margaritas - otter pop style! YUM!

Hot Routt Music Fest. AKA- Gerrypalooza

11:30am-allllllll niiiiiiight looooong

We went, there was music, we danced, it was hot.

The adventure..

I took this picture as I was still swearing I would not get on and instead go home and go to bed.

11pm, motorcycle, county roads, clear sky, sleep under the moon. Peer pressure is good sometimes.

I wish I had pictures of the campsite/moon on Pearl Lake but my phone was dead. :(

Sunday dinner..

My job sucks, I work with chefs, they make good food, dreamy even, they share with me.

I made these..

It's skewers of cantaloupe and prosciutto ribbons, grilled. It's an appetizer, or that's what I told these guys, but I'd eat it for breakfast, or I did today. Easy. Delicious. Try it.

And then there was dinner. Did I mention I work for chefs? They don't suck.

White bean salad. I could eat white beans at every meal. Seriously.

Grilled sweet corn. Heaven, the first corn I've had this year. Naked.

Lamb. Need I say more?

Salmon. Grilled perfectly.

Grilled Zucchini and Asparagus.

Salsa. Not just salsa. Tomatillos, green chilis, tomatoes, and other spicy goodness.

Cantaloupe and Prosciutto Skewers. I can keep up with these guys..sometimes.

But wait! There's MORE!!

Dessert! C is kind of brilliant with his desserts.

It's a shortcake. With homemade whipped cream. With Strawberries. With blueberry sauce. With vanilla ice cream. WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!!!! God!

And then I harvested my first crop. Because I'm a farmer..

Awesome. Huge. Powerful.

Okay, puney...but at least they grew! I grew them! They are mine!

I'm Awesome.

Everybody needs a little crazy..

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!"

— Jack Kerouac

I have a range of friends all good for different parts of my life..they say people come into your life for a reason. Three years ago I met Jim at the perfect time. I was depressed and in a funk and he turned my world upside down that first night. That's what he's good for and he's done it again. He came into town from Denver with some friends looking to go camping for the weekend. I had spent the entire day brunching with friends, playing sand volleyball and hanging out at a music festival. (All of this with unrequited love by my side..) Jim messaged that he was coming into town to meet some friends and hopefully we could catch up. Some music by the fire at the bar and some very insightful conversation later and somehow I was on a motorcycle going camping. This is Jim.

I mentioned that I had wanted to go camping on my three day weekend but a birthday and concerts were stuck in the middle. Tired from the day and running out of energy for the concerts I mentioned that I might just go home soon - big mistake. With some heavy peer pressure and promises of campfire, good friends, and a mini-break from life I found myself stashing my bike in a friends garage, layering up in my jacket and his hoodie, and jumping on the back of his motorcycle headed for Pearl Lake.

The ride was cold...freezing. (I suppose his may have been worse in just a t-shirt because I had all of the layers) Once we got there, painfully numb, it didn't take long to defrost in front of a roaring fire while introducing myself to the crew playing Taboo - they will all forever know me as "Teach". We played Taboo, ate some leftovers, and crashed. My make-shift-tent-bed-thing had the best view on the site of a clear sky and the moon reflecting across Pearl Lake. I may have been freezing but it was beautiful and a nice surprise-ending to my long hot day.

When I feel I've hit bottom, my priorities are in the wrong place, or I just can't get out of my funk...enter Jim.

Today I am grateful for the friends that come and go just to shake things up in your life. We may not always welcome them at the time but they give us a new outlook and keep things fresh.

Mother knows best..

My mom is my best friend. I talk to her every day, often AT her, and she listens. Sometimes I think she tunes me out but I deserve it because I go on and on and on. Without my parents I wouldn't have had the support to live in my own personal paradise and without her I wouldn't be surviving right now. She's my biggest cheerleader, supporter, and she listens to my ridiculous rants so I can calm down and not act on my feelings. She is the best.

Momma reminded me the other day during one of my breakdowns to be thankful for all of the wonderful things I do have in my life. I have completely forgotten just how lucky I am lately - too busy feeling sorry for myself. So here are the amazing parts of my week (forget the last post, I'm fine...sorta ;):

1. Last Friday night was a full moon. After a rough ending to Thursday I wanted to take Friday by storm and make it great. I tried to recruit people to hang out in a low key way - movie date, slumber party, or full moon hike. I didn't get much response until the old roomie G got off work. I was so excited when he was in for the hike and had never done it before. When the sky is clear our full moon's are amazing but it seems every time I try to plan it gets cloudy or stormy. We hiked with the small dog and cow dog out the Skyline trail and followed over to Fish Creek Falls. We huddled up for a few hours by the falls which are still rushing at high flow and had a few beers. Thankful for catching up with an old friend on a wonderful night and just the change of pace I needed from the bar scene and the lonely couch time I've been taking too much of lately.

2. Sunday was a beautifully hot boat day on Stagecoach. I finally learned to drive the boat for skiers so I can give back to all of the people who drag me around the lake. I didn't even get on the ski because the kids were having too much fun so I enjoyed soaking up the sun and cruising around the lake. Thankful for spending a lazy day in the sun with my awesome friends who are supportive and so full of love.

3. Wednesday was a gorgeous day and I wanted to get out after work. I called a friend downtown and made plans to grab a quick drink. We walked to SW for a sunset beer and found all of our lady friends and the Old Town Pickers playing a happy hour set. We ended up staying for hours talking to new friends and old. Thankful for one of the most normal nights out I've had in a while with a bunch of awesome ladies and a gorgeous, warm sunset evening.

4. Tis the season for birthdays! G's dirty thirty is this weekend. A few weeks ago on a hike I described some goodies I made a few weeks ago and he responded with a marriage proposal right there. It wasn't hard to convince me to make these for his birthday. Thursday night I set out to make a ton of gluten free, banana filled, bacon/peanut butter frosted, chocolate cupcakes with candied bacon on top. I have really enjoyed these projects lately and they leave me with a sense of completion and satisfaction afterwards but this time I didn't feel like being alone. I was so happy when my best girl J agreed to come help me with the treats. We hammered out 104 cupcakes in 2+ hours with plenty of laughs in between. Thankful for a great friend, awesome cheerleader and sweet baking partner who is always good for a laugh!

5. J does it again! To kick off my three day weekend we decided to ride up Emerald this morning. J had surgery recently and it was her first time back on her mountain bike and I've spent more time on the road with my bike than on trails so it was a slow start. We made it and I did so much better than I thought I would - with J cheering me on the whole way! The best part was when I stopped into work to drop off cupcakes and the guys were impressed with where we rode telling me which parts were hard. I assumed what's hard for me is easy for everyone else and I did okay on the "hard stuff." (of course it didn't look as pretty when I did it..) Thankful for motivation from positive friends and accomplishing a tough task..and feeling great after!

6. okay we're up to now...but for a preview there is so much going on this weekend! Tonight is a free concert at howelson and G's pre-b-day celebration. Tomorrow is the Hot Routt music festival which I have myself a ticket to and a bunch of fun friends will be attending. Sunday...who knows but with a start like this it should be great!

lost

I am hurting, lonely, lost and confused.

I go from one minute to the next wanting to hate him, love him, never see him again, keep him for always, cut ties, put on a fake happy face and pretend everything is ok until it is. Boundaries need to be set, but I can't keep myself together long enough to set them and immediately get angry at him because he should know..I shouldn't have to set them. I want to leave, but I want to stay. Will I feel better if I cut ties completely, or be even more alone? When I see him I want to know what he's doing, who he's doing and where he's been..without me. I want to know if he thinks of me at all..or if he has any feelings ever.

I am not ok. I know this. I don't know how to fix it. I need closure. I need answers.



I need a job. I am smart and skilled and a quick learner. I am a very multipurpose human. I can do anything.

I thought..

I have applied/interviewed for more jobs in the last four months than I have in my entire life. Nobody wants me.



I'm being pushed out, they think I don't notice. I'm broken.



I have a foundation. They are leaving..everyone is leaving. On vacation, away, not here.

I try to be positive..but today it hurts. This weekend there will be cupcakes. With chocolate. And peanut butter. And bacon. To make someone smile..and maybe me too.

Up and down..and because E said so!

So my original blog muse reminded me today that I had not blogged in a while and I didn't realize anyone was reading so it was nice to be reminded! I told her that I had avoided it because I didn't want my next post to be a landslide of the emotions I've felt lately. Immediately I realized that this was my original purpose - to heal myself and deal with my crazy mixed up emotions! Fortunately, the push I needed to get me back on here was a positive one so hopefully this won't be as depressing as expected.

People keep telling me that things are going to change and they have to get better soon..because they can't get much worse. I found out yesterday that the last local job I had on the table had been filled and I never even got a call or interview. I really had high hopes for this one as I had a personal recommendation from a principal in the same district that thought I would be perfect for the job as well as other great connections to the district and principal. With all of these referrals..I didn't even get a call. Crushed!

Following my incredibly inspiring Independence Day was an awesomely productive week including carpet cleaning of both my and B's apartments, organizing, purging and cleaning (and a few good hikes with Lucy and Rhino). Then..he came home. The feelings came rushing back and I felt back at square one. (but at least everything is clean now :) So he's back, I'm struggling, then this..this rejection..again. I feel like this is my cue to move on, but where? Where to even begin looking when I don't feel like I have anyone anywhere..or really a place I am drawn to. (other than here) So down, down I go, back into the empty darkness.

Until..a sweet pick-me-up conversation with a smile-on-demand from a distant friend reminding me she'll always be there even though she is not here! Then..beginnings of plans to visit another friend in the big city which promises ridiculous laughter and shenanigans. Plus..the addition of another long-lost friend whom I invited to play in Denver and realized in the planning that it will be his birthday as well.

VERY BIG RIDICULOUS CHALLENGE in the works for these two special folks!

In the meantime and while planning activities for the weekend, I came across a recent post on one of my favorite blogs and it picked me up a little. Just under two years from the big 3-0, I really appreciated the sincerity and simple joy of this post called 30 Things for 30 Years. I think I shall come up with my own list!
(It was this decision that brought me out of todays funk and got me excited to write this post!)

So..always a teacher (at least I think I still am..) there will be a chalk-talk on my wall to think out this list and I will share it soon. Some ideas will obviously be stolen from Joy's post because they are what inspired me in the first place.

To be continued...but I hope this wasn't as painful as I thought it would be..it certainly made me feel a little better.

FIREWORKS!

My love of this particular Independence Day requires a little bit of background information before I can go on...

FIRST - I'm not a particularly patriotic person, BUT...for most of my life I have had an intense emotional reaction to fireworks. Living in Steamboat has been especially supportive of this love of mine as we have fireworks on New Year's Eve, for Winter Carnival, Valentine's Day, 4th of July, and I'm not sure but quite possibly Memorial/Labor Day. Somehow I have missed on all of these opportunities for about two years. Last year I was in Toronto, Canada for the 4th and it turns out Canada doesn't give a darn about our celebration of Independence..bummer. All of the other opportunities involve holidays or events that also involve other parties and activities so getting outside to see fireworks is often not the priority for most and I have been overruled.

ALSO - Still not intensely patriotic but my reaction to the Star Spangled Banner evokes similar feelings to those of fireworks. This feeling has not been lifelong but I think can be traced back to learning to sign the song in college. I am typically a lyrics person but hadn't given much thought to this anthem until I was representing it in sign. The visual is much more powerful in this case than the verbal rendition and my connection to performing it in front of 100,000 people is especially powerful.

Now, on to my evening. I had various invitations to events going on around town and was not particularly excited about any one of them and had a fear that being alone watching fireworks would be too painful. One option included a few good friends but was at a party of people I had just met the night before and not a familiar crowd. Another involved a somewhat uncomfortable situation with his friends, who I have tried to make my friends but I am realizing that for the most part I have been included via him and since it ended there is not much of a connection. A third invitation came on my way out the door by two great friends to a big party where I new no one.

I decided to stop by the random party to see my best girls, M and J and bring them s'mores cupcakes I made. The people were welcoming and entertaining and the girls were cheerful and full of smiles so I stuck around for a while. The party was at a house on the Hilltop with a brand new deck hanging over the valley and overlooking the fireworks viewpoint. M's husband and his band "Beetlekill" were playing on the deck and rocking the neighborhood while amateur fireworks were shot off behind them.

I wish I had some night pictures!

Since it turned out that the friends party was right next door I stopped by for a visit and brought them s'mores cupcakes for dessert. I hung out and chatted about jobs and life for a while and watched a gorgeous sunset while they cooked dinner. Once their dinner was ready and conversation got quiet I decided to scoot back to the neighbors house. I felt a little awkward and am just not sure how to be with my ex's two best friends without pouring out my feelings for him and them. I feel like I was gaining a new awesome group of friends and now the ties have been cut and I'm not sure how to make it work.

taken from KB because my phone didn't do it justice

Back at the rocking party the sun had set, fireworks were popping, kids were dancing and the countdown to fireworks had begun. When we saw the lights of the rodeo grounds go down the band stopped playing and we all moved to the stage/deck to watch. As the fireworks started, the worry of being alone suddenly didn't matter. I had M next to me along with 50+ other people and really just filled with love in a bubble of happy! The boom-booms were capped off when one of the guys picked up the electric guitar and blasted the Star Spangled Banner through the firey display. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect celebration of freedom and independence and am so happy that I found the right place to enjoy it all. The band cleared, a dj set up, and a dance party ensued. I headed home to the dogs and we snuggled up on the couch to end a perfect night.

The aforementioned S'mores cupcakes were one of my proudest achievements yet! What's more American than a S'more?

I should really spend more time making my pictures worth saving..or at least using a camera other than my phone!

It is a honey-cinnamon gluten free cupcake with a chocolate ganache dip and homemade marshmallow meringue topping. PERFECTION!

Lessons learned:

1. When the cupcakes were under the broiler to toast the marshmallow the ganache bubbled and melted (see bubbles in photo). I am considering this as a sign that I should now buy a torch for my kitchen - obviously!

2. The amount of honey I added thinned out the batter and made it bubbly, airy and chewy - completely giving it more of a graham cracker consistency on accident! GO ME!

3. The overuse of honey also caused the bubbling over cupcakes to form a flat rectangle on top, slightly resembling the graham cracker in a s'more. Man, I'm good!

4. Take time to take better pictures, ya lazy bum! (says to self)