lost

I am hurting, lonely, lost and confused.

I go from one minute to the next wanting to hate him, love him, never see him again, keep him for always, cut ties, put on a fake happy face and pretend everything is ok until it is. Boundaries need to be set, but I can't keep myself together long enough to set them and immediately get angry at him because he should know..I shouldn't have to set them. I want to leave, but I want to stay. Will I feel better if I cut ties completely, or be even more alone? When I see him I want to know what he's doing, who he's doing and where he's been..without me. I want to know if he thinks of me at all..or if he has any feelings ever.

I am not ok. I know this. I don't know how to fix it. I need closure. I need answers.



I need a job. I am smart and skilled and a quick learner. I am a very multipurpose human. I can do anything.

I thought..

I have applied/interviewed for more jobs in the last four months than I have in my entire life. Nobody wants me.



I'm being pushed out, they think I don't notice. I'm broken.



I have a foundation. They are leaving..everyone is leaving. On vacation, away, not here.

I try to be positive..but today it hurts. This weekend there will be cupcakes. With chocolate. And peanut butter. And bacon. To make someone smile..and maybe me too.