He brought me back to life..

He's the guy who goes with you to see the Lion King in 3D and sings along to all of the songs with you.

He would rather spend time with you cooking together in the kitchen than go out.

He's happy to hold you and let you fall asleep and he's the one you catch watching you when you wake up.  When talking to others he's still got an eye on you and lets you know he's thinking of you when you're apart.

He comes to visit wherever you are just because he is thinking of you.

He's the guy who says "hello" and it feels like "I love you!" or "You're beautiful!"

He brushes the hair off your face before he kisses you.

He holds your hand quietly and is gentle when you are in pain.
When you are at your lowest point and feeling so small he looks at you like you are the only girl in the world.

He is selfless, attentive and kind hearted.

He is comforting and caring and feels like home.
You can't stop picking on him because he kisses you to make you stop.

After listening to countless hours of what I'm sure he never wanted to hear, he was still there.

Through all of my negativity he is sure that everything will work out and be amazing.

He showed me who I was and what was important to me, and that was important to him.

His kisses give me butterflies and his smile lights up my world. I was stupid to ignore it.

Always encouraging me to push harder, he knows me better than I know myself.

He is amazing at what he does, he loves it, he is proud of it, and he grows with each experience.
He's all you can think about..

i carry your heart with me

By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                     

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

From the comfort of my couch...

I realized something about myself today. I find comfort in my couch.

Yes, duh, I am aware that the couch is a place of comfort for most people otherwise we would all be watching tv from bar stools or dining chairs.

I am speaking of the safety and feeling of home I find in my couch. I heard a few months back that lonely people take comfort in the couch because the cushions take you in as though you are being held. I laughed..paused..and quickly agreed as I had been spending a large part of my time sleeping and lounging on the couch due to stress from my job, relationship and the puzzle of life.

It was not until tonight that I realized the roots of this behavior. Growing up with a very sick brother took its toll on my childhood. Watching my parents work more than full time, take care of one sick child and two other goofy ones, and still make a normal life for all of us was exhausting and inspiring. While home my brother spent much of his life on the couch. Our lives revolved around that couch, in that living room, we spent our together time there. After he was gone the couch remained, a silent symbol of the safety of home.

A few years later in a different home, with the same couch, my world and the safe comforts of home were violated. My life moved to the couch. I stopped sleeping in my bedroom and it became a nightly routine to fall asleep to the tv while on that couch. It was in the center of the house. It was home.

Over the years and since I left home the couches changed but I stayed the same. As relationships ended, I found myself looking for comfort and spending time sleeping in the hug of my couch until I am ready to move on. After the stressful loss of my job, the couch was my reassuring embrace. The loss of loved ones brings me home to the same place. I have found that growth or closure after each loss brings me back to restfully sleeping in my bed again. The sleepless nights send me back to the couch.

On this Christmas night, from the comfort of my couch I say...
It's time for BED!

Mrs. Green, in the kitchen, with a stack of Benjamin's..

All in the kindness of a stranger. I found myself more grateful than usual to be working today. This year has had it's struggles and my spirit has been challenged. Holidays have been lonely for me and Christmas was not looking much better. I was happy to go to work because I like the chaos of our holiday menus, getting everything organized to send home prepared holidays for tourists and locals who are looking for simplicity at home and more time for family. I was also happy because it is so much fun spending a day in the kitchen with my food family and visiting with my favorite customers, and I have been missing both of these groups since I started teaching again. Mostly, though, I was happy to be busy. Sitting at home during the holidays gets more lonely every time and I'm losing my spirit.

Today was as I expected. We got a little crazy, we got a little busy, we got pretty silly, and I saw all of the people I had hoped to help keep me up on kind of a down day. This particular holiday crowd brought a lot of new names I didn't recognize to our usual order list. Among these names was Mrs. Green. I did not recognize this name and I had not helped her before but she had ordered a  very simple, low-maintenance dinner for twelve unrelated to our holiday menu. I enjoyed making her food most. I get a twisted satisfaction from making perfectly cross-hatched grill marks on food and her salmon was beautiful. I was on a roll with the grill today and feeling pretty good about it.

Mrs. Green came in when we were moderately busy but in control and asked for her order which was already packed up and ready to go. As the mighty boss-man rang up her order she asked him how many staff were working with him tonight. He told her there were four of us in addition to himself. Next she asked him to add $100 to her bill for all of us. He enthusiastically thanked her for her kindness. She paused and clarified her statement..she meant $100 for each of us. Mrs. Green, in her quiet kindness, tipped each of us $100 for her simple dinner on Christmas Eve.

On this lonely Christmas Eve, the kindness of a stranger has restored much of the spirit I've lost. This woman who left quietly with her dinner, and with no recognition for her generosity, gave me such a lift tonight. People can be good. People can be generous. People can be spectacular in showing their love..they only need the opportunity to show it.

Tonight I am grateful for my Steamboat family and for a kind stranger. I hope that in her holiday celebrations with family, she feels a bit of the love I felt tonight!

Wavering spirit..

I was all for Christmas. I was ready for my first big paycheck. My plans included nothing other than cooking, sharing, and cutting/decorating my own Christmas tree. I thought I saw the light but I still can't catch up. Out the window went my thoughts of Christmas trees, decorations, twinkling lights. Down the drain went the plans for gifts I wanted to give and food I wanted to share. I hate this feeling. I'm struggling. I'm up and I'm down. I find the positive but quickly it is lost. I find it hard to spend time with friends because I feel like I can't keep up my share. I'm tired.

But then I see things like this..

and I remember it's not all that important.

Smile from the inside out.

Tomorrow will mark three weeks of teaching at the middle school and the last day before winter break. Fifteen days of quiet that I can say I have truly earned over the last three weeks. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not complaining that I need a break due to stress, I LOVE this job. Mine is the first car in the parking lot in the morning and I am often one of the last to leave (if I haven't run off to my second job) in the afternoon - and it is because I love being there. I enjoy trying to figure out my hectic schedule, where my paras are, the varied schedules of each of my students and how they all work at the same time. I like spending quiet time planning and copying without interruption. I like having a space, a space that is mine, to work in.

I have been invited to a committee to decide students to fit in the one percent of our district for an alternative state test. I was introduced with the kindest words at the staff meeting and valued in team meetings. With the common printer in my room, I have experienced the warmest welcome from neighbors checking on my progress and comfort each time they stop by for their papers. The front office has genuinely welcomed me with friendly conversation with each visit. Classroom teachers have welcomed me and openly offered support with our shared students. Over the past few days I have gotten Christmas gifts in the form of cards, ornaments and snacks from both teachers and students.

Today, with the help of one of my super-positive paras, I got a mostly blind student with very limited motor skills to climb about eight feet of our in-school climbing wall. She was spectacular! I was so proud and I know that she was also. What an amazing moment of empowerment and independence..I'm smiling from the inside out and it feel so good.

I just spent almost two hours writing thank you's in the form of Christmas cards. I love notes, cards, Thank yous, letters. I love collecting them, writing them, giving them, mailing them. I have had this box of Christmas cards with snowmen in my collection for a few years now and they were perfect for the job. I wrote to each teacher on my team, each of the paras, both administrators and to a certain someone who has been the greatest support through all of my toughest times lately. I could barely keep it together when thinking about the incredible support and warm welcome I have received throughout this experience. I am so grateful for all of my recent good fortune!

With a few new ornaments to decorate and so many wonderful things happening, I have decided that I really need a little Christmas in my life. I am going to cut a Christmas tree this weekend and spend some time decorating. Even if it is just for me I think it will really brighten up an already happy season. I have so many people and experiences to be thankful for and I think some twinkly lights and sparkle are just what I need to toss the rest of this funk out of my life. It's time to bring the happy back!

I'm back!

Wow, this week flew by in a flash. I have enjoyed a relaxing weekend following chaos but am surprisingly without stress. I had a great start on my own this week supported by the exit of an incredibly organized teacher and a motivated team on my side. I don't quite have the timing down for middle-schoolers at multiple levels but every one has pitched in to help make it work so far. The kids are fun and the people are friendly and I haven't been overwhelmed for a minute. What a great feeling!

After some R+R to start the weekend, I am headed in for some quiet planning time. Just two weeks left until Christmas break and I hope I can get it mostly planned today. I feel so lucky to have been given this opportunity and feel like it is truly a chance for growth. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to getting up early and motivated by daily challenges. So grateful for the little bits of sunshine that creep into the tougher days!

A long time coming..

Just days shy of 18 months since I was a teacher, well, I am still a teacher, but since I was in my own class..I begin again tomorrow. Tomorrow begins 112 days of hilarious, temperamental, smelly, dramatic, spirited, cheerful 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. I am taking over the severe needs class of a very deserving adoptive mother who is heading out on maternity leave for the remainder of the year. I am thankful for her discipline and organization, the incredible team I will be working with, the sweet group of students I get to spend my days with, and the opportunity for another chance in the place that I love!

The past 18 months have been some of the most difficult for me. I have experienced all of the stages of grief in some way or another and in multiple cycles. It is amazing how loss can affect your life and day to day operations. I have felt betrayed, at times worthless, ultimately undefined..wondering "why am I here?" Today this feeling was demolished! Even if only a short-term position, guaranteed to end with the school year, it is promise. It gives me purpose.

I have had the best support I could ask for leading up to this day from friends, former colleagues and current bosses. I got the sweetest card last night from one of the best to wish me luck in the future and congratulate me on finally getting back to where I want to be. I also started the morning with a few encouraging messages on my phone. I am constantly floored by the amazing people in my life!

I am nervous, overwhelmed, excited, and exhausted. I know that once I get into the swing of things with this crew the daily grind will be a breeze but until then, I must sleep.

Big lights will inspire you.

Update: I am annoyed that I spent so much time putting this together and then it reformatted itself onto my page! I swear it was easier to read in production. Gr.

The non-edible side of New York! I got a chance to be more of a tourist this time and see some well-known places. Fortunately the weather was beautiful the entire trip without a cloud in the sky.

 This is High Line Park which is built on an old freight rail line elevated above the streets on the West side of Manhattan. Something that has always surprised me about the city is just how much green space there is. People have worked very hard to create spaces and maintain them so each park I have seen is so beautiful. The Hudson River runs by and that is Hoboken, NJ on the other side. The top right is a beautiful piece that naturally fit into the landscape with feeding trays and bird houses. The surrounding vegetation climbs up the bars reaching for the sky. Snow was on the ground in Steamboat Springs when I left, but only the first signs of fall were coloring the pages of New York!

One of the things I love about the city, any city, is the architecture. I especially loved the way the sun was hitting these on such a beautiful day.

Even the cranes at ground zero struck me. The appear to be having a sort of gathering at the site. I especially like the random crane hanging off of the building on the right. I've jumped out of a plane but these are heights that I can't imagine being at.

On the outside, above are sculpured pylons along the river near Battery Park and the center is in the garden at Battery Park. I finally got to see the Statue of Liberty from here but it was a little smoggy over the water so she isn't very clear.

 On the right is the arch at Battery Park from below. I really love this angle, if you couldn't tell, showcasing the greatness of objects standing alone. The sky helped me out that day!

Walking along the river and on our way to the WTC we accidentally found the Irish Hunger Memorial. The memorial represents the hundreds of thousands of Irish that immigrated to New York between 1847-1852 following The Great Hunger. The entry is through a ruined fieldstone cottage onto a pathway featuring rocks from each of Ireland's 32 counties and passing a pilgrim's standing stone. The pathway ends at the top with a view of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, symbols of America's welcome to the Irish and other immigrants. In the past when I have looked into my ancestry, Regan and O'Regan can be found in County Cork Ireland. There are various spellings of my last name, even in my family tree I believe, so I think this is correct. Anyway, I suppose if not the only damage is a photo of the wrong rock, right?

My trip was just shy of a month after the 10 year anniversary of the fall of the World Trade Center. In my two past trips to NYC I have wanted to see the site but it hasn't worked out for time. This time I put it high on the list. Redevelopment is an amazing thing because devastation was not the theme and I am sure this is a different feeling for those who lived there at the time and saw it in person. The site of One World Trade Center is surrounded by tall construction fence and filled with a new building, a bunch of cranes, and thousands of workers. The memorial nearby had just opened and had visitors wrapped around the block to get in, we didn't go so maybe next time.

This tiny 18th century church stands across the street from the new World Trade Center. St. Paul's Episcopal Church became a relief center after the towers fell. The back of the church looks out on an old cemetery where most of the stones are worn and illegible. Inside the church, while a service is held, visitors roam around the perimeter to view memorials, artifacts and stories of survivors or grown families ten years later.

Wall Street: Occupied

Maybe it's just me, but in person this is not as impressive as the media has made it seem. In reality I wouldn't have noticed if they weren't blocking me from seeing the bull. This is me: detached from current events.

Now..did somebody say something about the bull?!?! Why is everyone taking pictures from the front? The front is scary! He could take off and crush you at any moment...I'll stay back here! So there's a chance I took some funny altered perspective shots from this point of view, but to keep a little dignity I'll save those. Perhaps I will frame them and hang them in the bathroom someday.

 



G-dub keeping an eye on the NYSE from Federal Hall. He's very powerful, someday I will make him dribble a basketball with this pose. Yep, I'm 12.

 

Grand Central Station! I've still never travelled through here so we had to stop in and check it out. It is MASSIVE, and there are oysters downstairs!

So wandering through Wall Street, still searching for the bull, I found an eerie little stairway off the sidewalk. It let to this raised cemetery with reading benches and incredible light. Lucky find yet again! Trinity Cemetery is the resting place of those who not only shaped the history of New York but also that of the United States. 

Oh yeah..and isn't it gorgeous!!

                                   This funky artistic sculpture on the High Line was supposed to haunt me..I, however, think it would be great white noise to sleep in. 

I would shop here..particularly to make use of their "Sidekick Placement Services". Spectacular! 

                                                                                                     Even the ceiling at Tiffany's is sparkly!                                       

     The Red Cube by Isamu Noguchi. Noguchi said the cube, on its side, was like the roll of a dice: chance.    

Oh yeah..the IMG NYC Marathon happened, right down the street! We were watching it on tv getting ready for breakfast and things started looking familiar. They were running on the next street so we went to check it out on our way to brunch!  50,000 people. Even the spectators had incredible energy for the runners! (and a little FDNY love)

 

        Got to hang out with the brothers, E&A, and A's new wife one night at Union Hall in Park Slope. Giant, but cozy bar with fireplaces, candles, bookshelves, couches and bocce!

So, I'm not smart and got so excited to see my boys..that I never took any pictures with them! Instead we had a mini-fireplace-modelling session after they left.

These streets will make you feel brand new..

I was recently gifted a little fall getaway, gastronomic journey, and touristy adventure to the big apple by an incredibly generous friend! I'm thinking of affectionately re-naming NYC the Big Kitchen..because all I manage to do is eat while I am there. Because of my love of food this trip is going to require two posts: one of adventure and another simply for food. Let's start with food since I have been drooling over the photos all morning!



D recently moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY and graciously worked his tail off to sample the local fare and create an amazing gastronomic tour before my arrival. Note the menus on the bench. This happened everywhere we went so that we could constantly refer to them (and sometimes order more).

I think that this photo is hysterical because it is truly the only one taken of us from the entire weekend. I also didn't take any pictures with my long lost friends I got to visit. We joked that if they had food in their hands they may have made it into my album.

 Friday

Let's begin...

I arrived in Park Slope disoriented and sleepy and starving after a long day of travel so we set out for a stroll in the area to grab a snack to hold us over until dinner. We found Bareburger! This place is natural, organic and seemingly sustainable. Throughout the tiny cafe were examples of recycled art and repurposed furniture. Little plaques were scattered about explaining the materials used and how they were sustainable choices. 



Bareburger

This is the ostrich slider. Other options were beef, turkey, lamb, elk or bison. There were three sliders and some delicious fresh-cut fries with three fancy dipping sauces. Ostrich is a little gamey and reminded me of sausage in texture and flavor. Delicious in combination but probably not the first I would order next time.

Reservations for the evening were at Stone Park Cafe which D has decided is his "New Bistro C.V." This is the perfect compliment for the charming corner cafe.

Heirloom Beet Salad with frisée, toasted hazelnuts, crème fraiche vinaigrette...hazelnuts? Are you kidding?!

 

Short Rib Slider with a quail egg, creamed spinach, housemade potato roll...spectacularly rich! (these short ribs to be seen again in a different form later)

Grilled Baby Octopus with Spanish chorizo, fingerling potatoes, preserved lemon...I am going to start preserving lemon following multiple influences on this trip. (see a different take on octopus later)

**I just realized that I missed a photo op on the pasta course! If you know me and pasta, you also know that I attacked it and the camera didn't stand a chance. Bummer, while delicious!

Dessert: Chocolate Brioche Pudding- caramel ice cream...caramel flavor was a little burnt but..HOLY!!!

I love wine, especially when paired well with a meal, but I never remember what it is so I try to keep track this way. Mmmmm

SATURDAY

D's new place is still mostly empty so we were waiting for a sofa bed to be delivered Saturday morning. We had to be nearby for the delivery so we headed a few blocks to brunch at  RoseWater   which we had walked past the night before. Brunch in New York is a standard. Most of the restaurants

that serve dinner in the city are also open for brunch on the weekend. While I've been taught to be wary of brunch (Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, which I hope to actually read someday, points out that brunch in NY is merely Friday and Saturday's leftovers) I still love a heavy and late breakfast and I've certainly eaten worse so I'll suffer this time! Initially it was the greenhouse style patio seating that attracted me but the atmosphere of this place was so comfortable and welcoming. The tiny garden tables each had random blankets on the chairs for a chill in the air or just a comfy back rest (this will happen in my home someday).

Smoked striped bass cake, perfectly poached eggs, chipotle aioli and fennel salad. Pear bread on the side was so delicious!

This was a special so I don't quite remember except for sweet potato hash, fried eggs, pesto and house made sausage. LOVED the cornichons on the side!

Our dinner reservation on Saturday was at The Stanton Social on the Lower East Side. I was excited to go there, not only because I read the menu before but also because I know the area from staying with another friend there in the past. This place was amazing and defines the feel of New York in my mind; loud, chaotic, delicious.

Caesar salad bites: mini toast with caesar dressed greens and topped with a parmesan crisp.

 

Rhode Island style lobster roll with potato chips






Skillet Roasted Octopus, chorizo, garlic, sherry vinegar - told you it would be back! So we thought the first octopus dish was amazing until we tried this! The composition of this one was amazing and the flavors melded together so perfectly! 



Potato and goat cheese pierogies with caramelized onions and truffle creme fraiche...the creme fraiche MADE these perfect but on their own they were rather simple.





Shrimp and grits







Chicken and waffles: brick pressed chicken, aged cheddar waffle, corn pudding, balsamic spiked maple syrup






Baily's or Guinness cake? with hmm..I'll have to think about this one..seems to have slipped my mind because the other dessert was the obvious game changer!






SIMPLY PHENOMENAL!!!
Peanut butter bon-bons with concord grape gelato...
HOLY COW..it doesn't all have to be so complicated, a simple pb&j dessert blew me away and is the winner of the weekend!



The evening ended with a long walk through the East Village and the Lower East Side, a random stop at a Japanese charity and arts event, a visit to "White Star" (21 Essex) for a cocktail and a visit with Justin at "The Tiki Bar" (Painkillers).

We're just in time for Justin time!! @PKNY

Conversation:

D: What are you gonna get?

J: Oh probably just a pina colada.

Me: Ooh that sounds good, me too!

...These are what arrived..all of the drinks here looked like this and some were on fire. It was about 100 inside and 50 outside. Paradise in the city!



SUNDAY

So back to that whole thing about brunch. You wouldn't realize Bourdain's accusations are true unless you returned for brunch to the place you just had dinner. Why would anyone do that in a city of a million restaurants? So, back to Stone Park Cafe...again. Another thing I learned about brunch in NY is that the blue laws require that no alcohol is sold before noon on Sundays. I wondered why it got busy so late when I was starving by 10am! Everyone showed up right as we had our post-brunch mimosas. We were all watching the finish of the NY marathon on tv so we didn't care.

Hangtown Fry: tempura oyster frittata, bacon, Vermont cheddar...lordy num num with sourdough toast!

 

LEFTOVERS! Remember the short rib slider we had on Friday night?

Short Rib Hash and Eggs: braised short rib, eggs any style





Our Sunday dinner reservations took us to a Japanese restaurant in Williamsburg called Zenkichi. This place can only be described as a zen funhouse! Check out the website and try to picture yourself there. Narrow hallways with strategically placed mirrors lead you through the maze that is Zenkichi. We were silently led by our server to a tiny intimate table enclosed by bamboo blinds. With each visit to our table, he greeted us and opened the curtain, closing it as he left. I realized just how much of a people watcher I am in that setting with no outside stimuli. I was forced to appreciate only the food and the company which obviously made me awkward. Me?! No!!!

We ordered the 8-course Omakase Tasting Menu which changes seasonally with available ingredients as well as a sake tasting to accompany.

Course 1: Miso soup..no photo, but I bet you know what it looks like!

Course 2: Chilled plate: baby scallop and kinoko, hamachi tartar, sashimi of the day, fancy little compliments of the chef salad







Course 3: Zenkichi salad - I have never had fresh tofu before, there is no reason to ever go back to store bought rubber! Now...how to I make fresh tofu..





Course 4: Autumn Kakiage Tempura: Japanese eggplant, pumpkin and shrimp








Course 5: Saikyo Miso Cod








Course 6: Simmered Fish of the Day: I forgot...

Course 7: Seared Duck Donburi

 




Course 8: Dessert: Suntory Yamazaki 12 years single malt whisky truffle, frozen black sesame mousse, grapefruit agar gelee
**BEST chocolate of the weekend and it was the size of a grape!



Monday

On Monday we wandered down the street after sleeping in a bit to The Perch Cafe for breakfast. Neat little place with a gorgeous garden in the back, unfortunately we didn't notice until after we finished breakfast inside.

Baked eggs with leeks and smoked salmon over fresh rosemary foccacia

 

Breakfast wrap with chicken apple sausage

Monday evening's dinner was at Al Di La, a nice little gem just around the corner with a quirky staff, fresh menu and cozy atmosphere.

Seppia and Oxtail: Stewed cuttlefish, oxtail, garlic and chilli over creamy polenta..so this was gorgeous when it came out. We were puzzled by the black tar-y goo and dug in immediately before I could capture it's beauty. 

Spaghetti with Manila clams and white wine

Homemade ravioli filled with winter squash, brown butter and sage sauce

Flourless chocolate cake

Finally, the random snacks of the mix!

Melt!: Snickerdoodle + cinnamon gelato = cinnamon toast crunch in your mouth

Gallagher's in the city, only had drinks but dream of all that aged meat in the window!

Can't leave the big city without a little of this! Really, this is me, can't go a day without a little of this! Fresh mozz is mine, of course.

Oyster Bar in Grand Central Station

Rabbit Pot Pie at 2am at Blueprint...A-mazing!

Well, I do believe this is the end of my edible journey through    New York..for now! I hope you are starving!