He brought me back to life..

He's the guy who goes with you to see the Lion King in 3D and sings along to all of the songs with you.

He would rather spend time with you cooking together in the kitchen than go out.

He's happy to hold you and let you fall asleep and he's the one you catch watching you when you wake up.  When talking to others he's still got an eye on you and lets you know he's thinking of you when you're apart.

He comes to visit wherever you are just because he is thinking of you.

He's the guy who says "hello" and it feels like "I love you!" or "You're beautiful!"

He brushes the hair off your face before he kisses you.

He holds your hand quietly and is gentle when you are in pain.
When you are at your lowest point and feeling so small he looks at you like you are the only girl in the world.

He is selfless, attentive and kind hearted.

He is comforting and caring and feels like home.
You can't stop picking on him because he kisses you to make you stop.

After listening to countless hours of what I'm sure he never wanted to hear, he was still there.

Through all of my negativity he is sure that everything will work out and be amazing.

He showed me who I was and what was important to me, and that was important to him.

His kisses give me butterflies and his smile lights up my world. I was stupid to ignore it.

Always encouraging me to push harder, he knows me better than I know myself.

He is amazing at what he does, he loves it, he is proud of it, and he grows with each experience.
He's all you can think about..

i carry your heart with me

By E. E. Cummings 1894–1962

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                     

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

From the comfort of my couch...

I realized something about myself today. I find comfort in my couch.

Yes, duh, I am aware that the couch is a place of comfort for most people otherwise we would all be watching tv from bar stools or dining chairs.

I am speaking of the safety and feeling of home I find in my couch. I heard a few months back that lonely people take comfort in the couch because the cushions take you in as though you are being held. I laughed..paused..and quickly agreed as I had been spending a large part of my time sleeping and lounging on the couch due to stress from my job, relationship and the puzzle of life.

It was not until tonight that I realized the roots of this behavior. Growing up with a very sick brother took its toll on my childhood. Watching my parents work more than full time, take care of one sick child and two other goofy ones, and still make a normal life for all of us was exhausting and inspiring. While home my brother spent much of his life on the couch. Our lives revolved around that couch, in that living room, we spent our together time there. After he was gone the couch remained, a silent symbol of the safety of home.

A few years later in a different home, with the same couch, my world and the safe comforts of home were violated. My life moved to the couch. I stopped sleeping in my bedroom and it became a nightly routine to fall asleep to the tv while on that couch. It was in the center of the house. It was home.

Over the years and since I left home the couches changed but I stayed the same. As relationships ended, I found myself looking for comfort and spending time sleeping in the hug of my couch until I am ready to move on. After the stressful loss of my job, the couch was my reassuring embrace. The loss of loved ones brings me home to the same place. I have found that growth or closure after each loss brings me back to restfully sleeping in my bed again. The sleepless nights send me back to the couch.

On this Christmas night, from the comfort of my couch I say...
It's time for BED!

Mrs. Green, in the kitchen, with a stack of Benjamin's..

All in the kindness of a stranger. I found myself more grateful than usual to be working today. This year has had it's struggles and my spirit has been challenged. Holidays have been lonely for me and Christmas was not looking much better. I was happy to go to work because I like the chaos of our holiday menus, getting everything organized to send home prepared holidays for tourists and locals who are looking for simplicity at home and more time for family. I was also happy because it is so much fun spending a day in the kitchen with my food family and visiting with my favorite customers, and I have been missing both of these groups since I started teaching again. Mostly, though, I was happy to be busy. Sitting at home during the holidays gets more lonely every time and I'm losing my spirit.

Today was as I expected. We got a little crazy, we got a little busy, we got pretty silly, and I saw all of the people I had hoped to help keep me up on kind of a down day. This particular holiday crowd brought a lot of new names I didn't recognize to our usual order list. Among these names was Mrs. Green. I did not recognize this name and I had not helped her before but she had ordered a  very simple, low-maintenance dinner for twelve unrelated to our holiday menu. I enjoyed making her food most. I get a twisted satisfaction from making perfectly cross-hatched grill marks on food and her salmon was beautiful. I was on a roll with the grill today and feeling pretty good about it.

Mrs. Green came in when we were moderately busy but in control and asked for her order which was already packed up and ready to go. As the mighty boss-man rang up her order she asked him how many staff were working with him tonight. He told her there were four of us in addition to himself. Next she asked him to add $100 to her bill for all of us. He enthusiastically thanked her for her kindness. She paused and clarified her statement..she meant $100 for each of us. Mrs. Green, in her quiet kindness, tipped each of us $100 for her simple dinner on Christmas Eve.

On this lonely Christmas Eve, the kindness of a stranger has restored much of the spirit I've lost. This woman who left quietly with her dinner, and with no recognition for her generosity, gave me such a lift tonight. People can be good. People can be generous. People can be spectacular in showing their love..they only need the opportunity to show it.

Tonight I am grateful for my Steamboat family and for a kind stranger. I hope that in her holiday celebrations with family, she feels a bit of the love I felt tonight!

Wavering spirit..

I was all for Christmas. I was ready for my first big paycheck. My plans included nothing other than cooking, sharing, and cutting/decorating my own Christmas tree. I thought I saw the light but I still can't catch up. Out the window went my thoughts of Christmas trees, decorations, twinkling lights. Down the drain went the plans for gifts I wanted to give and food I wanted to share. I hate this feeling. I'm struggling. I'm up and I'm down. I find the positive but quickly it is lost. I find it hard to spend time with friends because I feel like I can't keep up my share. I'm tired.

But then I see things like this..

and I remember it's not all that important.

Smile from the inside out.

Tomorrow will mark three weeks of teaching at the middle school and the last day before winter break. Fifteen days of quiet that I can say I have truly earned over the last three weeks. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not complaining that I need a break due to stress, I LOVE this job. Mine is the first car in the parking lot in the morning and I am often one of the last to leave (if I haven't run off to my second job) in the afternoon - and it is because I love being there. I enjoy trying to figure out my hectic schedule, where my paras are, the varied schedules of each of my students and how they all work at the same time. I like spending quiet time planning and copying without interruption. I like having a space, a space that is mine, to work in.

I have been invited to a committee to decide students to fit in the one percent of our district for an alternative state test. I was introduced with the kindest words at the staff meeting and valued in team meetings. With the common printer in my room, I have experienced the warmest welcome from neighbors checking on my progress and comfort each time they stop by for their papers. The front office has genuinely welcomed me with friendly conversation with each visit. Classroom teachers have welcomed me and openly offered support with our shared students. Over the past few days I have gotten Christmas gifts in the form of cards, ornaments and snacks from both teachers and students.

Today, with the help of one of my super-positive paras, I got a mostly blind student with very limited motor skills to climb about eight feet of our in-school climbing wall. She was spectacular! I was so proud and I know that she was also. What an amazing moment of empowerment and independence..I'm smiling from the inside out and it feel so good.

I just spent almost two hours writing thank you's in the form of Christmas cards. I love notes, cards, Thank yous, letters. I love collecting them, writing them, giving them, mailing them. I have had this box of Christmas cards with snowmen in my collection for a few years now and they were perfect for the job. I wrote to each teacher on my team, each of the paras, both administrators and to a certain someone who has been the greatest support through all of my toughest times lately. I could barely keep it together when thinking about the incredible support and warm welcome I have received throughout this experience. I am so grateful for all of my recent good fortune!

With a few new ornaments to decorate and so many wonderful things happening, I have decided that I really need a little Christmas in my life. I am going to cut a Christmas tree this weekend and spend some time decorating. Even if it is just for me I think it will really brighten up an already happy season. I have so many people and experiences to be thankful for and I think some twinkly lights and sparkle are just what I need to toss the rest of this funk out of my life. It's time to bring the happy back!

I'm back!

Wow, this week flew by in a flash. I have enjoyed a relaxing weekend following chaos but am surprisingly without stress. I had a great start on my own this week supported by the exit of an incredibly organized teacher and a motivated team on my side. I don't quite have the timing down for middle-schoolers at multiple levels but every one has pitched in to help make it work so far. The kids are fun and the people are friendly and I haven't been overwhelmed for a minute. What a great feeling!

After some R+R to start the weekend, I am headed in for some quiet planning time. Just two weeks left until Christmas break and I hope I can get it mostly planned today. I feel so lucky to have been given this opportunity and feel like it is truly a chance for growth. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to getting up early and motivated by daily challenges. So grateful for the little bits of sunshine that creep into the tougher days!